End of the semester!!!11eleventy!!1 and McRibs!Woot!

First of all, can I get a "Hell Yeah!" that McRibs are back? I was hoping that the Farewell II tour last year was just like the Eagles and Rolling Stones, only more affordable. A few years ago, when the McRib took its longest hiatus to date (it was for about 3 long years), I signed an online petition even though I don't believe those things work. It made me feel empowered nonetheless. I always worry that it won't come back. It's funny how people that love them share the same fear as me, but those that don't share the love always roll their eyes and smugly assure me that it's never going away forever. Whatever. I worry because I love. They haven't an inkling of the love and joy a McRib brings me, so of course I'm going to worry. You never know when it's going to come back; there's no predictable cycle; and these farewell rumors don't help the sitch at all.

Anyway, so, it's that time of the semester when there's no time for sleep, laundry, or cooking regular meals. The house just goes to hell and I hate that. I like order, I like clean clothes, and I covet sleep.

WARNING: Some general bitchery ahead, but also some good news and major hair news ahead.

I just got done doing another week of house managing (read: 12 hour plus days with the last 9 hours being back to back with classes, meetings, and the shows, which means I don't get to eat and I have to reapply make-up because I have to look "evening theatre dressy/classy," and be nice to the general public cuz it's a good idea to starve a girl, put her in heels*, and then make her be nice to the general public at end of the day and that's before we even get to go home and do 5-8 hours of homework). I'm still trying to recover from the two days in a row that I got no sleep at all because I had no other choice if I was gonna get my homework done. By the time I got done, it was time to shower and go to school and do the same thing all over again.

*I ended up only doing the heels thing once and then decided to take a page from Ellen DeGeneres.

Have you ever been so run down and tired that even after finally getting a good night's sleep you still feel tired after waking up? That's how I feel right now. It's like I can't not be tired. My body is literally rejecting this schedule.

All I have to do from here on out is write 2 15 page papers, a 7 page paper (woo-hoo for short papers!!), complete a teacher's portfolio, and stay on top of 101 stuff. And that actually is a break, because the endless stream of production meetings and house managing is over for the semester. I can actually focus on my papers and projects without all these other things taking precdence.

Good News: It's likely that my last semester here I'll be teaching theatre history. My supervisor/mentor is going on sabattical. It's a 300 level, majors only course as opposed to the 100 level, non-major class I teach now. This is especially awesome because it was this very class at this very institution that made me want to become a theatre history professor. To actually get to teach that class here at SIU is something that would be so meaningful.


In Hair news: I cut my medium length, dyed blonde, straight-ironed hair back to my natural brunette shade and went super short. It gives me an extra half hour every day. If you google image Natalie Portman and Winona Ryder then you'll get an idea of what my hair looks like. I've even had a couple of people walk right past me without knowing me at first. It is a major change and I love it. So fun to get the reactions because it is way different from what I had.

How could I forget?

How could I forget to include this in the post below? I'm having laptop issues again! This laptop, the third one I've had since May (if you count the replacement I had for one day that gave me the blue screen three times) has now been shipped off for repair because the hard drive crashed for no discernible reason at all. WTF is up with all these laptop issues at the end of two semesters now; a crucial time! Seriously. What did I do to garner this kind computer karma? It will take 2-3 weeks to fix. I'm writing from my supervisor's personal laptop. She was kind enough to loan it to me at the end of last semester too. Oh, and you can bet I'm getting her a spa certificate for Xmas for her generosity.

Yes, I'm Alive

If anyone is still checking my site, yes, I'm still alive and well. I haven't written because, when it's been a long time I feel like I should post something really important or witty or something. I finally decided not to let that get in the way. It's not like I ever did before.

So, in earth-shattering news, Jeff got another job in a far western Chicago suburb about 6 hours away. That's 8 hours closer than we are at present. He starts Jan. 2nd. The best part is that it's partially a work-from-home position, so he'll be here part of the time. I think he'll be surprised to realize just how much free time I don't have though. He wanted to move since I'm away most of the time; he didn't see what was keeping him there. For anyone wondering why he didn't get a job here, it's not feasible for him to get a job here, because 1)it's so economically depressed here he'd have to take a major, major cut in pay and benefits 2) he wouldn't even be able to work in the same industry which would suck for him.

But, since it's really all about me here, we'll just talk about how this affects me in sucky ways. Not to be all Pissy Polly about it, but whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll have more time together, blah blah blah. That's great and all, but I sincerely and truly hearted Texas! Now I don't even get to go there for Xmas break. The home I truly loved is no more (it had lots of room and a remote control garage!). To actually like where you live? That's not something to be taken for granted. Texas was the first time I actually liked where I lived. I don't just mean my actual physical abode, I mean the region; Austin is a cool, laid-back, liberal and progressive place and it's very different from the Chi-town burbs and southern Illinois. I won't get to go back there; I've already seen it for the last time in a certain sense. I didn't realize when I left last August that that was the last time I'd be there as a resident. I didn't know I'd eaten my last Louie's BBQ, that I'd shopped on SoCo for the last time, that I'd had good Mexican food for the last time, and so on. OMG! No more Central Market! CM deserves its own post, so I'll leave it at that. I'm sure we'll go back to visit, but that's not the same. I really loved Texas, probably because it's not the Midwest. Oh, and the ocean was just a few hours away. Very cheap and easy to get to. Yeah, so there was that too.

We've already lived where he's moving, so I already know that I indeed do hate it there. Very much. A place has to really suck if I like southern Illinois more. I didn't think it was possible until I moved there with Jeff after graduation. The suckitude there was what prompted me to get us to move to Austin. At least I won't have to live there full-time; I'll mostly be here in Carbondale.

The suckiest part? We had planned to spend Xmas down at South Padre Island and I was most looking forward to spending an oceanside Xmas day, walking on the beach. For a Midwest born and bred gal, that's a really exotic and unconventional way to spend Xmas day. Now I have to either spend Xmas with Jeff's family (which they're fine) or with my family where the gatherings have gotten so small it just doesn't seem right or something.

I'm glad Jeff will be closer, but the timing sucks. I like C'dale well enough, but now my other home is the far western suburbs (2hrs to downtown with traffic), a place I hate and I'm stuck with it for the forseeable future. The ungrateful brat within is upset that Jeff couldn't wait a measly few weeks to job hunt. It's not like it puts us together sooner, because I'm free at Christmas. It just means I get Austin and all that great ocean access I keep yammering about taken away even sooner. In favor of what? A place I know I hate that is devoid of all personality and culture and filled with traffic so heavy I never could learn to drive in it, so I had to rely on Jeff to drive me everywhere, which made me feel like a prisoner. Maybe I'm not being as petty and bitchy as I thought. No fucking wonder I hated it up there so much. I just fucking remembered.

I want my Exotic, Unconventional Christmas Day Walk on the Beach Back!

If this reads like a trucelent 5 year old, then you're reading it with the right tone.

That's what happens when your visit to the ocean has been changed to a visit with relatives.

And yes, I realize there's lots to be thankful for in this scenario---employment, relative sanity, health, etc.

But what's that compared with going to the ocean on Xmas Day?

Ah well, at least I know a trip to Wilmington, NC is in my future now.

MP3 Shuffle

Yeah, Yeah. Just go with it.


How am I feeling today?
"Jackson" Johnny Cash *sigh* thinking about June Carter Cash's vocals on this one...

Will I get far in life?
"Closer" NiN

How do my friends see me?
"Do You Believe in Magic" Lovin' Spoonful

Where will I get Married? "Pepper" Butthole Surfers

What is my best friend's theme song? "Iris" Goo Goo Dolls

What is the story of my life? "Blue Moon of Kentucky" Levon Helm *From the Coal Miner's Daughter soundtrack* Oh, and I can't let you go without this bit of trivia: Levon Helm played the Father in that movie, and he's also the lead singer of "The Band" of "Take a Load off Annie" fame.

What was high school like? "Blasphemous Rumours" Depeche Mode *JFC, that was kinda scarily awesome, except I *mostly* got away unscathed.

How am I going to get ahead in life? "Pet" A Perfect Circle

What is the best thing about me? "Bloodletting (The Vampire Song)" Concrete Blonde

How is today going to be? "364" Juliana Hatfield

What is in store for this weekend? "Rapture" Blondie *For everyone's sake, can I have a do-over on this one? If so, then it's "Chris Chambers" Stereophonics. *Personally, I prefer the song about River Phoenix.

What song describes my parents? "Summer Breeze" Seals and Crofts *shut up*

My grandparents? "The Line Begins to Blur" NiN

How is my life going? "Mellie's Coming Over" Letters to Cleo

How does the world see me? "One Line" PJ Harvey

Will I have a happy life? "Crush With Eyeliner" R.E.M.

What do my friends really think of me? "Miss World" Hole *Hell Yeah! You know it!*

Do people secretly lust after me? "This Woman's Work" Kate Bush

How can I make myself happy? "How Soon is Now" Love Spit Love

Will I ever have children? "Cry Little Sister" Lost Boys Soundtrack

What is some good advice for me? "Suil A Rune" from Riverdance, it's a really cool song---a mixture of Gaelic and English

What is my signature dancing song? "Crazy" Patsy Cline *Yeah, I'm always on the top of the table with that one*

What could be better for my kind of dancing? "The Hardest Walk" Jesus and the Mary Chain

What do I think my current theme song is? "Rain" The Blake Babies

What does everyone else think my current theme song is? "Matinee Idol" Rufus Wainwright

What type of men/women do you like? "My Little Basquiat" Cowboy Junkies

Where did you go today? "Could it be Magic" Barry Manilow *As I said with Seals and Crofts---shut up*

Pride and Shame: Like Sunshine and Rain (Yes I Went There)

I have officially started working out again and I even look forward to it because it is a place I can go everyday that has nothing to do with obligations. I can be anonymous and don't have to fulfill a role as teacher/student and I don't have to be articulate or insanely prepared. Oh, and how about the joys of shuffle when you forgot you ever downloaded Rick Springfield one night this summer when you were drunk. Or how about when Christina Aguillera's "Fighter" comes on? Totally worth it. Yeah, I'm feeling pretty good about myself because I am doing 90 minutes of cardio a day 5 days of the week, weight training twice a week with a trainer, and tomorrow will start a once a week yoga class. I just hope I keep it up (at least to some degree) when the cold weather sets in.

Now, onto a more shameful, confessorial note: I hate myself for thinking there's something sexy about JustinBobby. I know. Yes, I'm aware of the combat boots at the beach. I didn't say I supported that. He's an idiot, pretentious loser that doesn't need to have his ego inflated any further by people like me and AJ finding him hot. I guess I'm just a dirty old woman. At least Audrina can say she's 20 and stupid. What's my excuse? I think it's the voice that puts him over the edge for me. Also, I was a big fan of the fuck buddy when I was single. I guess I see JustinBobby as perfect fuckbuddy material and maybe that's what it is. No, wait...I'm turning 36 next month. Aren't I supposed to be hitting my sexual peak any day now? You know, I was looking forward to this sexual peak business but if it means I'll be finding the JustinBobby's of the world sexy, maybe it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Quit Wasting Your Time

This may be my most trivial post yet, but Mighty Mighty inspired me with the envelope woes.

It is a goal of mine to get people to stop using those annoying, time-consuming twistie ties that come with loaves of bread. Instead of wasting your time twist, twist, twisting, just use a clothes pin! I honestly have no idea how most people use twistie ties and do not go insane. It's so hard to undo them, especially after a few uses. It's so tedious, why do people use these? Seriously, I can't believe the majority of the population does this and never gripes about it.

Clothes pin, y'all, Clothes pins! The quality of your life will improve, I swear it.

Trudy's Monologues

I don't know how many people are familiar with "The Search For Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe" by Jane Wagner, but since I referred to it in my last post, I thought I would excerpt a couple of monologues from it. Trudy is a bag lady and this is how she spends her days. It is hilarious. Of course, it's best when you can watch Lily Tomlin perform it.



Trudy: Now, since I put reality on the backburner, my days are jam-packed and fun filled. Like some days, I go hang out around seventh avenue; I love to do this old joke: I wait for some music-loving tourist from one of the hotels on Central Park to go up and ask someone "How do I get to Carnegie Hall?" Then I run up and yell, "PRACTICE!". The expression on peoples' faces is priceless. I never could have done that stuff whe I was in my right mind. I'd be worried people would think I was crazy. When I think of all the fun I missed, I try not to be bitter. See, the human mind is like a...pinata. When it breaks open, theres a lot of surprises inside. Once you get in the pinata perspective, you see that losing your mind can be a peak experience. I was not always a bag lady, you know. I used to be a creative consultant. For big companies! Who do you think thought up the color scheme for Howard Johnson's? At the time, no one was using orange and aqua in the same room together. With fried clams.The only idea I'm proud of - my umbrella hat. Protects me against sunstroke, rain and muggers. For some reason, muggers steer clear of people wearing umbrella hats. Ever since my shock treatments I started having these time-space continum shifts, I guess you'd call it. Suddenly, it was like my central nervous system had a patio addition out back. Not only do I have a linkup to extraterrestrial channels, I also got a hookup with humanity as a whole. Animals and plants too. I used to talk to plants all the time. Then one day, they started talking back. They said, "Trudy, shut up!"


Trudy: Here we are standing on the corner of "Walk, Don't Walk." You look away from me, trying not to catch my eye, but you didn't turn fast enough, did you? I know what you're thinkin'; You're thinkin' I'm crazy. You think I give a hoot? You people look at my shopping bags, call me crazy 'cause I collect this junk. What should we call the ones who buy it?It's my belief we all, one time or another secretly ask ourselves the question, "Am I crazy?" In my case the answer came back: A resounding YES! The symptoms are subtle but unmistakable to the trained eye. For instance, here I am standing at the corner of "walk, don't walk" waiting for these aliens from outer space to show up. I call that crazy don't you? If I were sane, I would be waiting for the light like everyone else. They're late, as usual. You'd think, as much as they know about time travel, they could be on time once in a while. I could kick myself. I told them I'd meet 'em on the corner of "walk, Dont walk" 'round lunchtime. Do they even know what lunch means? I doubt it.When they get here they'll probably be dying to know what "lunchtime" means and when they find out it means going to Howard Johnson's for fried clams, I wonder, will they be a bit let down?I dread having to explain tartar sauce.

Heavy Stuff

So, this isn't going to be much of a happy happy joy joy post. If you don't want to read something heavy and totally self-indulgent, I suggest you stop reading now. Really, I wouldn't blame you. I just have a lot of stuff to get out and some of it goes way back to stuff that happened years ago. This is another far too lengthy post. I promise I'll post shorter, lighter things. Just not today. No really I will. The existence of JustinBobby is all the proof you should need.

Some of you may know the background on my sister and some might not. She's a schizophrenic and lives in a group home. She had a nervous breakdown in 1989 when she was in the Army and never recovered. Her diagnosis is chronic and non-responsive to treatment, meaning there is no hope for recovery, no matter the drugs or therapeutic intervention. She is very much a danger to herself and others. She is a very, very sick little girl. I say this and she's 3 1/2 years older than me. When my Dad and I visited her Sunday she was clearly overmedicated. I've seen her out of it and highly delusional, that's not anything new. This was different though. She was drooling and could barely walk or stand up. She seemed to go in and out of a major fog. She was very drowsy and sometimes didn't seem to know she was in this world. Two other residents came up to Dad and me telling us that she was overmedicated. These people may not be the complete picture of mental health themselves, but that doesn't mean they are oblivious. It was odd how, both times, both people, when telling us, were so sure of what they were saying, it was as though for that moment they were cogent and clear-headed. Dana was taken to the doctor today, but no one called me back to tell me what happened. I'm sure her care provider will call me tomorrow, if he doesn't, I'll call him.

I'm really worried because if this is how she's going to be from now on it is the beginning of the end. But I don't want to get too ahead of myself. There are plenty of other things to worry about. Do I need to find her a new care facility? That's a whole issue in itself. Do I need to request a new doctor or battery of doctors at the Veteran's Admin? The only thing I do know is I'm not going to have her just being set in a chair to drool for the rest of her life. All of this is on my shoulders now and I just hope I make the right decisions. I can't believe I'm supposed to decide these things. It's surreal.

After my Mom died last year I was appointed her legal guardian (after lots of really bureaucratic-laden hell), which means I take care of her money and make decisions for her. She lives in a home and we are very lucky to finally have found a place that "works" for her. She's been there ten years now. Back in the early days of her illness, before we found this place, she was in and out of something like 17 facilities. Some of these places weren't equipped to handle her; some were nursing homes because we had no other options. Eventually they would get to a point where they couldn't handle her and would throw her out. Then she'd be back to living with us (a dangerous and chaotic situation) then bad shit would happen and she'd get sent off to somewhere else and then the cycle would repeat itself. Just because someone is mentally ill and even dangerous doesn't mean they will automatically be hauled off and that's that. Sometimes you have to live with them and I'm not exaggerating when I say it felt like a constant state of terror. I remember my normal days were pretty long back then---with school and a job 20 miles away, I was usually gone from 8am to 10-11pm. There were a lot of times I'd come home and there she'd be when I thought she was supposed to be safely tucked away somewhere. So yeah, a constant state of terror is pretty much what it felt like. My mother had a nervous breakdown and it basically broke her spirit. She never really recovered either. She was eventually diagnosed as a borderline personality, but that's another post.

Last year I was seeing a therapist and she said it was like I was having to deal with three deaths at once---one being the mother I lost, the second being the stable mother I should have had(except she was my best friend and I can't complain about that, all in all I didn't get too shafted in the Mom dept), and of course the sister I once had. I honestly can't convey what it is like to have a mentally ill sister. Only someone that has been through it can know what it means. I'm so fucking sick of colored ribbons for every fucking illness on the planet except for mental illness. If you happen to know without googling it, by all means, tell me what color that ribbon is and I'll immediately go out and festoon my car with magnets in that color. It's such a fucking taboo that you can't talk about because it freaks other people out. To talk about what happens with a mentally ill person is oversharing. It makes people uncomfortable and I get that, but it makes me far more uncomfortable than it does them because I have to actually deal with it. If she had cancer I could've talked about what I was going through in those early years; I could explain why I looked like shit and why I didn't seem very happy lately. But, it's kind of hard to say, well, my sister tried to slash her wrists for the 7th time last night, or she came up behind my Mom with a baseball bat and thank god my Dad saw her or my Mom probably would've been dead then and there. Or, she came in my room at all hours of the night last night because Jesus Christ just visited her room. Yeah, I can't imagine what you think of me for typing that out loud, but fuck it. These things happened. These are my experiences. It was the fucking reality (ironic word choice I realize) I was living in. It was traumatizing. I was trying to get my start in life. I had just graduated and lived at home while I attended community college and worked at a pizza place. I can't make sense of some of these things and there is very little support. There is no well-established group like AA for family members of the mentally ill. It's not talked about.

What really bothers me sometimes is that I remember how we shared a room and even the same bed when I was little. I can't hear "More Than A Feeling" by Boston, not ever without a flood of tears and the biggest pain in my heart because I remember her playing that song in her room so many times when she was in high school. I guess I think of that as her song. One day my Mom and I got to talking and it turned out she had the same reaction to that song. What really hurts is that she doesn't even look like the same person. I had gone a few years without seeing her, because basically I took a few years to be selfish. I knew my destiny was to have to deal with her, like it or not, so for years I had nothing to do with her until my Mom passed away suddenly last November. It might sound selfish to have avoided her, but that was the whole point. I knew it was a luxury to be selfish and that I had to seize the opportunity when I had it. I didn't want to have to see her and deal with who she became. She's not the same person at all. She doesn't look the same; I didn't even recognize her when I first saw her. That's what this illness does to you. An old friend went to see her against our advice ( and goodness we would have loved to encourage old friends to visit, but she's pretty bad off) and was basically traumatized. When I see her and spend time with her I look at her and wonder "who are you and why do I have to deal with you?" Seriously, there's this whole other person and they're very ill and yet for some fucking reason it's my responsibility to deal with and I don't understand that. I don't know who this person is and I don't recognize her any more than anyone reading this would.

I don't want to hear about how God never gives us more than we can handle. So does that mean anyone that doesn't have to deal with it, couldn't deal with it? Because I don't believe that. Nor do I believe I am strong enough for this. I don't think just because these are the cards she and my family were dealt that we are any more capable than the next person of dealing with this. I am, in no way better equipped than anyone else to handle this just because it's what I have to handle. The pressures of being a PhD student are pretty hardcore and balancing all of this is a very tough act. The only way I can handle it is to to tell myself that I am welcome to give all this up at any moment. The guardianship, not the PhD. Because the only way I can handle it is if I think I have the option of being selfish. I don't know if I really do. It's like having a child. And that really sucks for someone who has known all her life that she didn't want children. I actually felt it was a personal triumph of sorts not to have one. It's not just the fucked up genes, I just really never wanted kids. I've always felt very adamant about that. Mom was Dana's whole world and now it's me. I can't do the job the way Mom did but I am forging my own way. Even though I am kicking and screaming every bit of the way. I think that's another coping mechanism. The kicking and screaming.

I'll be damned if I "accept" all of this. I'd rather kick and scream than be stoic like I deserve this, like she deserves this. I'd rather bitch that I hate the fucking cards we've been dealt. Because, if I don't it means I have no choice. I'm not going to have to deal with this and like it too. That's just too fucking much. I at least feel like I have a choice for some reason when I give myself the right to hate this and to be very selfish in thinking about how this all affects me. I'm not going to sit back and smile and say this is the path that I've been led to and all that horseshit. Sometimes what happens to us is just fucking unfair and random and that's the rub of it. Sometimes there isn't a greater lesson or a greater reason. I used to think that about life, that challenging things in our lives were for a greater purpose or that we'd eventually find out the reason for all of it. Sometimes it's just hell that you have to endure. Sometimes there isn't a reason. We just tell ourselves this so we can cope because most of us don't want to think it could all be random and for no greater purpose. And that's all it is at the end of the day. I refuse to think that my sister being ill and my Mother too with her deterioration that there's a damn good reason for it. That it serves some kind of purpose. It killed my Mom and it changed who she was; it changed all of us. I used to have Faith. This stuff fucks with your entire paradigms. You know that all the circumstances of your life that make things bearable can be pulled out from under you at any moment. I'm not always this cynical about everything and mostly, I think I do pretty well given the circumstances, but when it comes to this there isn't very much comfort. She is so pitiful. This is an ache that will never go away. The only comfort I can take is knowing that my Mom no longer has to deal with this and that she finally got the respite she so deserved from all of this. I remember how at her funeral everyone kept saying "she doesn't have to suffer anymore" and it was what I kept thinking too. The pastor that gave her eulogy was a close personal friend of hers and his eulogy said the same thing too. It was just weird, because if you didn't know better you would've thought she died of cancer instead of a brain aneurysm.

There just is no way around or through this. And it's been almost twenty years. The thing about this that Mom and I always felt is that it doesn't get easier to deal with; if anything it just gets more difficult because now it's been twenty years worth of this. The very slim research on the impact on the family of the mentally ill seems to suggest the same, that it only gets more difficult for family members as the years go on. Which, WTF? Why isn't this worthy of study and why doesn't anyone care enough to research this? Why isn't there the equivalent of a well-established group like AA to help people family members? It's because it's taboo and it's not a socially acceptable illness. Oh my god, the shame and guilt cycle with this fucking thing. I was (and probably still am) very ashamed of her and then I felt guilty for that. But it's also almost like your forced into being ashamed because you honestly can't tell most people in your daily life like coworkers, bosses, and teachers what's really going on. I'm starting to get more open about it even when I can clearly see that the other person is uncomfortable and thinks I'm oversharing. That pisses me off when I know they wouldn't be that way if I were describing the latest round of chemo she went through. So, I've been reminding people of that too, especially when I have to listen to their stuff. I don't go around talking about it all the time, but if you share an office with me for over a year and you tell me all your stuff it's only fair I get to share too. I'm not going to lie for your sake and tell you my weekend was just fine when really I saw my sister, this person that I don't even recognize but am responsible for, drooling all over herself like some fucking nursing home patient. Okay, so I haven't said anything to anyone, and I'm just blogging about it, but I'm telling myself that I can talk about it if I want. I honestly do not begrudge anyone that has decided it was too much to bear and I truly understand why most schizophrenics don't have any family that is involved in their lives. That sounds harsh I know, but I sympathize and unfortunately, I understand. It's devastating.

Maybe it sounds melodramatic to say this, but I often think about a scene from a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie in 1992 or 1993 based on really great book by Sue Miller, called Family Pictures. The book is about a family and how they deal with an autistic son in the 60's when even less was known about autism. At that time the "solution" was to institutionalize them and forget about them. The story was told from a sister's perspective. Angelica Houston played the role of the ever-devoted Mother. The scene that I always remember is when he dies and the whole family is worried about how Angelica will take the news, because he was her whole life; she never gave up on him, not once, even when everyone else did (which was very much a parallel to my Mom in the early years). They're just sure she is going to go to pieces and have a breakdown. She goes out on the porch, a few tears roll down her cheek, she closes her eyes and says "Free. I am Free. I am Free." And you actually see the burden has lifted from her shoulders even as she grieves. I've never forgotten it. She encapsulated a mixture of relief and mourning. That scene haunts me.

My heart breaks and hurts so much every time I picture her in that home. I'll never forget the day we had to tell her Mom passed away. We drove up to the facility and she was sitting outside smoking (she smokes incessantly; it's a schizophrenic trait) and I didn't recognize her. She jumped for joy and was so excited to see me that she was crying tears of joy. "Oh look! It's my sister, she's come back to me. This is the happiest day of my life." She just kept saying that over and over. It never occurred to her of course, that the reason Dad, me, and a relative she'd never met pulled up in the driveway unexpectedly was because there was bad news. I'll never forget seeing her that day. That was probalby the hardest thing I've had to do yet. She is so pitiful. Thankfully, she took the news pretty well, because her mind doesn't allow her to deal with it. She cried for a few minutes and then went on like it was a "normal" day. She still mentions Mom and says she misses her, but her mind doesn't let her mourn or fully comprehend and for that I am truly thankful. That is a blessing.

If most of this post has been selfish, that's the entire point. This whole thing of having to deal with my sister is about me. It's me trying to release some of what I've bottled up for nearly twenty years. Of course I feel sorry for her, and I ache for her, but I'm writing this to try to deal with my experience in all of this. She doesn't have to deal with reality; I do. I'm the one that deals with the reality of Mom's passing, I'm the one that deals with how to look out for her, I'm the one whose shoulders all of this is on. And, I'm trying to get a fucking PhD here. Thank god I have this side to me that likes The Hills and mindless crap like that. I'd go insane without it. It makes me think about what Lily Tomlin once said in the "Search For Signs of Intelligent Life" when she played the crazy, homeless lady. She made a lot of sense out of being crazy, because, as she said, "once I put reality on the backburner, my life vastly improved." Damn would I love to do that sometimes. I resent the fact that I have to deal with this. I wish I didn't have to deal with this. I'm not some triumphant, selfless character in a movie. I hate this. I truly do.

Trailer Fabulous!

Okay, so the move was just as fun as anticipated, but I can say without irony that I LOVE LOVE LOVE my 70's doublewide trailer. I'm pretty sure it's newer than that, but it has a decidedly 70's vibe to it. It has tons of storage and built-ins as well as a garden tub! Oh! And it has a washer and dryer (last year I had to haul ass to the communal laundry room)! How very eleventy-worthy! Scoff if you will, but I'd rather live in a doublewide trailer than a cramped apartment with painted over cinder blocks like last year. And how convenient that both bedrooms have built in drawers for well, your drawers and stuff. The built-in drawers run the length of the room, so however many chests of drawers that equals. Since it's hard to split up furniture between Texas and Illinois, I don't bring furniture with me to the 'Dale, so I really need all the storage I can get. Over the drawers is a faux marble tabletop that runs the length of the rooms. The one in the master bedroom also has a built-in vanity area, which is another great thing for me because I hate standing up to do my hair and make-up. I even have storage in the master bath and over the washer/dryer. For someone that's had an apt that didn't even have kitchen cabinets, one single closet that was probably 3 feet by 2 feet, and no oven and two burner tops that didn't work (when I was in Alabama), I am doubly thankful for storage. Plus I grew up in a cramped house, so I've always appreciated storage, space, and actual countertops in a kitchen.

Okay, so I don't love the sliding mirror doors on the closets and I know the wood paneling will be oppressive (I grew up with it and it's always felt like something of an achievement to have gotten away from that when I grew up and moved out) but other than that, I am so happy. My landlord also said he's going to bring over a butcher's table and chairs for the dining area, so yippee! More flat space to put all my research projects on. I'll eat at the coffee table, like all civilized people should do.

The best part? I didn't realize I'd have a garden tub! I had one in an apt Jeff and I lived in, but that was 5 years ago. When I looked at this trailer last spring it was junked up with stacks of crap everywhere, so I didn't realize it would be this big. Wait...it gets better, I have two bathrooms and that too was a complete surprise! I guess there were a lot things stacked up against that door, so the landlord didn't even show it. Do you know how awesome it is to realize your new place has even more storage and space and bathrooms than you thought? It reminds me of those dreams where you dream you are in your house but you discover new rooms. I've heard that's a common dream for people to have, and I've had a few of these myself. Oh, and I really don't pay very much for all of this either since a low cost of living is one of the upsides to living in the sticks. I paid more for far less last year. Hell, I don't care, I'll just tell you that it costs $400. No roommate. All mine. I have storage I'm not even using!

Oh, and compared to last year's move in the stifling heat and humidity up four flights of steps and then a complete maze just to get to my apartment, this is a dream. Also, I had to pay for parking last year only to have assholes park in my space all the time since it was across the street from campus (*remind me to post about the time I went off on someone*). Now, I have a gravelled parking space right next to my trailer. Oh, and there is a fabulous, big deck to go with this abode. No wobbly 3-stair dealies here (if you've been to/lived in many trailers you'll know what I'm talking about). Just bringing in groceries is going to be way easier.

I am a little bit worried about the fetid pond next to me. Critter and varmint-wise, that can't be good. But hey, did I mention I have storage out the wazoo, built-in dressers and bookcase, and a garden tub and a second bathroom I didn't even know I had?

School Days, School Days, Dear Old Golden Rule Days.

So why can't school start after Labor Day? I've only heard of this concept on TV or in the 50's and 60's when my Mom went to school. Is it just my piss-poor luck that out of seven total schools I've never had an academic year start after LD? Really, I'd like to know when school started/starts for you---doesn't matter whether it's grade school, college or what. I just wanna know if there are any lucky bastards out there that get to start after Labor Day? I just realized, I'm entering the 19th grade, and I've never had the pleasure of starting after Labor Day.


School has always started the third week of August, and in southern Illinois terms, that's the worst timing possible. The humidity is far worse there than anywhere I've been, Alabama and Louisiana included. No kidding. A group of people I know just got back from New Orleans and the humidity wasn't as bad there as it was in southern Ill. Anyone who's lived in SI can tell you that for a fact. No one gets it or believes it until they come here for the summer. BTW, we're talking Ill/KY border here, 6 hours south of Chicago. Just thought I'd throw that in, because it's irritating as fuck when someone asks how close is it to Chicago. Anyway, I better go before I start complaining about my 14 hour trip, the move, the fact that I have to be at work before I can actually start moving, and how all that converges to make me wanna bitch, moan, cry, complain, and pout. I read an article today on MSN that said complaining makes things worse, so I guess I better go before I do any of that. ; -)

Dining Room Table!

Yeah, so this post is going to be about finding a great dining room set and my excitement over that, which will probably bore you to tears, but you can't say I didn't warn you. I was even nice enough to put it in the title and everything.

Jeff and I have been searching for a dining room table for a long, long time but I wanted to fall in love with a set or find a steal at one of those cheap antique/junk stores. In college he had the coolest restaurant booth dining set complete with orange vinyl covering, very 70's groovy. When he graduated and moved, he had to choose between the table or the seats because his truck didn't have enough room. Guess which one he chose? The ugly brown formica table with a faux walnut look, with the stripping on the side coming off or the funky, hip restaurant booths?


I can still see him tossing the booths in the dumpster. I just don't understand him sometimes. I thought they were really cool and it's not like you can find those just anywhere or for cheap. I asked him what his logic was and he said he didn't have a flat surface---no desk no coffee table, etc. so it made sense to keep the table. Because you can't get a Coleman folding table for $25, I guess. He had just asked me to move in with him and the concept of what that all meant (that I have the right to say "hold it right there buster, you're not getting rid of the booths") was still new to me. So I didn't stop him, I just expressed my dismay and disappointment. In my defense, I wouldn't be moving in with him until a few months later and didn't think of his college belongings as "ours."

Today we went to an antique store and found a really nice round table, with a mohagony or cherry finish, I don't know which. The matching chairs look elegant without being too stuffy. For a long time I've been wanting a bistro-style square pub table, but when the man said "I'll take $150 for that," I was sold. Now I own my first dining room set and it's much nicer than anything I grew up with so I appreciate it very much and am really excited about it. It's no 70's restaurant booth (which would look so cool in the trailer I'll be living in) but it has its own charm nonetheless. I get to move in about 9 days and won't see it again until Xmas, but that doesn't diminish my excitement in the least.

Little Boost

J came home for lunch today and surprised me with flowers. He put them on the washer and I didn't find them until I went to change the wash. The card said "because you deserve them." Can I get an "awww" from the studio audience? I know this is the part where most people give an eyeroll, groan, and have a sarcastic remark, but just bear with me. We've lived together about a dozen years and now we're several states apart nine months out of the year, all because of my grad school junkie tendencies. So, yes I'm just pedestrian enough to appreciate a surprise batch of flowers that will die in a week. I have to leave again in two weeks. I was pissed that he was coming home for lunch, interrupting my research hours. Glad I didn't choose today to be pissy because I would've felt like an ass once I discovered the flowers.

Movie Recommendations

I am so far behind in watching movies, I don't even have a list anymore. I used to be such a film nerd, but I think I'm in the remedial class now. When I looked at new releases I didn't see anything, or I'm so far out of the loop, I don't know which ones I'd like.

This is where I'm pleading for your help. I need recommendations. The only caveat is no action movies and no romantic comedies. I prefer character-driven movies but am up for pretty much anything.

Just assume I haven't seen it and assume my video store (within walking distance!) has it. It's nearly warehouse sized and they've been in business since beta's and have kept nearly everything they ever purchased.

Blame Me

It's my fault; I killed Tom Snyder. For some reason he popped into my head, and I wondered if he was dead or alive. When I saw that he was still alive (I didn't see anything that said he had leukemia), for some reason I thought "it'll suck when he dies." That was Saturday. He died Sunday.

I refuse however, to take credit for Ingmar Bergman. That's someone else's fault.

Other People's Problems

I warn you, this is one of the least articulate things I've written, but here goes anyway. I'm just not feeling like much of a wordsmith today, but I do have something that's been bugging me for awhile.

I am vastly curious about what goes on beneath everyone's facade. This is something I find myself wanting to inquire about much of the time. Yeah, in other words, I'd honestly love to hear your life story.

Something that's been on my mind lately is listening to other people's problems. Often I hear the phrase "I just don't want to hear about other people's problems." Really? I never hear someone say "I love listeing to other's people's problems." Except here and now.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and not wanting to listen other people's problems is a sentiment I hear other people declare overwhelmingly all the time. Obviously, it's highly situational as well. I realize this and am not talking about people who are merely "drama queens" or when we're talking about an inappropriate venue to discuss said problems. But, many times I've heard this phrase in response to a person, fictional or otherwise, that I didn't even realize was trying to overshare. I've even heard people say this about TV shows and movies. What are they there for if not to explore things a little more in-depth.

I realize this is a highly rhetorical post, but so what. I love hearing other people's problems, not because I take joy in other's misery, but because I am that curious. Sure, there is a time and place for everything and sometimes it's just not very appropriate to share your innermost feelings. But I'm really not interested in people that just skim the surface of life anyway. They're like boring one-dimensional fictional characters. "The unexamined life is not worth living"(Socrates) may have become something of a cliche, but I really truly believe this. I'm not saying everyone has to share with me, it's really more about why are people so opposed to hearing about other people's problems? It costs you nothing and you just might learn something by listening to someone else give their life story. I think everyone has an interesting story and I am curious beyond belief at what makes people who they are and to know where they've come from and where they're going.

I asked a woman in her last year of a PhD program in clinical pyschology why she wanted to be a therapist. She told me it was because she liked to hear about other people's problems and hearing about where there are coming from in life, what gives them direction, angst, passion, power, etc all of that. I guess she's in the right field to say the least. She said lots more, but to summarize she said she was fascinated at what goes on with other people underneath the surface. Same for me. I guess it's no mystery, that after having gotten to know me after several months, she said I'd make a great candidate for a doc program in clinical psych. Insert joke about my own sanity here.

Do people who don't want to hear about other people's problems honstely not care about what goes on with other people? I don't mean that they don't care about other people, that's not what I'm saying at all. What I'm trying to say is do they not wonder how different and how similar we all are. Do they not wonder what goes on beneath the other people's facades? And how do we ever know that unless we are willing to listen to other people. I love hearing others wax esoteric about their lives. Finding out what is beneath other people's facades is just about the most interesting thing there is to me, so I find it hard to understand why some people are so adamantly opposed to it. It's the opposition and lack of curiosity that gets me.

Oddly enough, I grew up in a very small town (pop: 1000, no stoplight, no McDonald's, no Wal-Mart for 20 miles) and you couldn't help but know everyone's business and yet I hated that. I hated that everyone knew everything about me and my family and that no one had a choice about what to divulge about their lives. I think it's downright creepy when people decide to live in places like that all their lives, because anonymity is simply divine.

Just curious, what's so bad about hearing other people talk about their problems? *Oh, and I'm not talking about someone that just mopes and complains and is wretchedly dramatic. I mean just in general, what's so bad about listening to other people's problems?

*I invoke the right to completely contradict myself in the future.

Is it absurd?

Is it absurd to think of Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and Paris Hilton on the Wonder Years? Because I think it is.

Yes, the Wonder Years, as in Kevin Arnold. As in Ken Topolsky. As in quality, substance, multi-dimensional. As in many more adjectives I won't waste, because it's not necessary.

Someone on a message board in a Wonder Years thread actually suggested and I quote:

In another thread I once entertained the idea of any of Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan joining the cast as add-ons. I think if they had some experience on this show they would have ended up all right and be positive role models. Danica McKellar (or any of the girls on the show, for that matter) never released a controversial tape, shaved her head, boozed, or did anything to wind up in rehab.

Just some food for thought!

It's that last sentence that really takes the cake. I actually looked at their posting history because I was sure they had to be joking, but to my chagrin, no. Look, I've gotta get to bed here so I can't stay and renumerate the idiocy while simultaneously bitching, ripping to shreds, and finger pointing in the manner that this properly deserves. So I'm gonna type as fast as I can. Yes, yes we all know with the Internetz blah blahcakes. Believe me, I know what the Internet is, I get it. I take full responsibility for my own petty here. However, I'm granting myself the privilege to be slack-jawed, irked, and wide-eyed at this. But I seriously wonder about the mentality of people out there. Never mind IQ or personal taste. I'm talking mentality here. What kind of mentality does it take to suggest the above? It's actually quite humorous, I realize and I get that. But not in the way the poster intended. I usually don't get caught up in Internet BS, but I had to respond even though I know full well the site isn't really about the critical analysis, and I couldn't let other posters agree before I pointed out the absurdity, in a nice way. Even if others completely ignored my post and agreed with the idea of a triumvirate of vapid on the WY, I had to have my thoughts out there, just hanging about, swaying in the breeze. I just said, yes, they should've been given something constructive to do, but I don't think there's something intrinsic to the WY that made the difference between Danica McKellar and Hilton, Spears, Lohan, el al. It was longer than that, but I'll spare you.

Yes, I'm perfectly aware of the petty in me and why talk to a brick wall. No one on this site seems to get into fights, so I felt I could respond with a different opinion without it turning into a clusterfuck, so there is that at least. But, why engage with someone that would earnestly suggest such a thing? I know! I just couldn't let it hang out there on the Internetz without a response. I'd love to have been obnoxious about it, but I wasn't. Hell, I was even nice enough to say something involving the words "maybe" "Lohan" and "Prairie Home Companion." Sigh.

No, this wasn't TWOP.

On second thought, I'd love to see Dan Lauria tell Paris she couldn't go out and give Britney one of his classic looks when she says something incredibly uninformed.

Maybe it was genius after all!

I'm still around...

I know I haven't been writing and commenting very much lately, but I am gearing up to make the move back to Carbondale. Nothing I have to say is fun. Right now, it's all about the minutae and the details. And the paper I'm writing. Yes, I still have a paper to write from the Fall semester. If I don't finish it in the next couple of weeks, I'll get an F instead of an incomplete and basically, wouldn't be in the program anymore. I really, really wish I'd just win the lottery already. Then there's the lesson plans to recreate since HP is holding my old laptop hostage. And I still have to catch up on a lot of reading that I really am not looking forward to (Nietzsche, Kant, etc) so that I can start the semester without being behind. Like that's going to happen. So, basically I haven't been writing because everything is so damn boring. Although, I did make a damn good proscuitto, asparagus, goat cheese pasta dish the other night that was awesome. I even used thyme from my garden!

Anyway, I'm trying to pretend it's "summer" in the regualar college student sense, and yet there's a valid reason for the existence of the term "professional student." All's I'm doing here is bitching that I can't have fun everyday and actually, like have responsibilities and stuff. Yeah, I know I'm 35 and stuff. Doesn't make responsibility any more enticing or tolerable, in my opinion.

Sooo....I did watch Bret Michaels and Scot Baio. I think I'll probably watch a few eps here and there of the Bret Michaels show but I'll watch every ep of the Scott Baio show. I'm not as into reality shows (not gonna bother with disclaimers and quotation marks around the word reality as I assume we all know they are contrived) with actual competitions and games determining the ending. But, I am glad to know the skankariffic is readily available, Sunday nights on VH1 anytime I need it, for the next several weeks. Both shows were every bit as awesome as I expected. I'll be reading the TWOP boards, but haven't found anything to really bitch about yet. Just garden variety twop stuff thus far. If anyone else is watching these shows and following the threads, let me know.

I'm still waiting for the Corey's show which will premiere on the 29th to round out the triumvirate. Not only do I know when it'll be on, I can't wait. That will bliss, pure bliss.

Lastly, if anyone has any movie recommendations, I'd love to hear some. I'm really tapped out of ideas at the moment.

Another !!!!eleventy11!!11!! Post

I just found out the first two seasons of "Family" (1976-80) is on DVD! I immediately went to
Amazon and ordered. Yeah, I was really, really little when this was on, and couldn't "get" what I would today, but I have fuzzy memories of it and have always wanted to see it again. I think I got see reruns in the 80's when I was a little more cognizant. I remember wanting to be a cool, skateboarding teenager like Buddy (Kristy McNichol). And, I could swear Leif Garrett was Kristy McNichol's boyfriend, but maybe he was on an episode of Eight is Enough or something. Either scenario is entirely plausible. I can't wait to see Sada Thompson and James Broderick and I'm *confident* that the writing will be great. Even if I'm disappointed, just seeing the 70's decor will be worth it. I'm assuming there will be avocado kitchen appliances. And, as if it couldn't get better, I find out that my heroes, Ed Zwick and Marshall Herskovitz (thirtysomething and My So Called Life) wrote 7 episodes. So yeah, I'm excited. I think they've written the best stuff that ever graced the small screen and I could go into a bunch of stuff about theatre and especially elitist grad school BS that pisses me awf, because apparently pathos is so not cool at this stage in my educational "career" but I won't. I'll save it for another day because I'm sure I'll be bitching about it when the semester rears its ugly head in August. For now, I'm totally content to be getting this on DVD!

The Corey's, Scott Baio, and Bret Michaels

OMG!!111!eleventy!!11! So I just found out that all three upcoming bad reality shows that I can't wait to see are going to be on Sunday nights! This totally streamlines everything in one convenient night. Since I don't watch TV every night and have trouble remembering when something is on, even when I'm interested, this really works for me. Who here can't wait to see The Corey's, Scott Baio is Single and 45, and Rock of Love with Bret Michaels?! Can't wait for July 15, except for the whole summer is slipping away thing. Other than that, I'm completely stoked!

Random: It's raining again. Yaaay! No, I really mean that. This summer has been downright tolerable, if very wet. Sigh. I love summer rain.

What About You?

Reposting this from Sticky:

1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song or Album:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favorite memory of us?
14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarkey) - what are they :
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favorite subject at school:
22. Describe your accent:
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?

Hope this one works

I'm writing this on my new Gateway laptop. When I took the HP back to BB, the guy wanted to do a system recovery on it, but I told him it was like driving a car off the lot and having it break down within the first mile. I told him I wanted a completely different one, and no HP's. So, I got one that was slightly cheaper. Do you think I get that money? Or a store credit? Hell no! They just exchange it and add on the difference. That doesn't seem ethical to me.

Also, I'm on hold with the cable company, because, earlier I couldn't get the internet to work, so I was on the phone with them forever, and when it still didn't connect, the guy told me he'd have someone come out to look at it. Exactly one minute after hanging up, I got it to work by right clicking and choosing repair. So now I'm trying to cancel the appt. So far I've eaten an entire meal and put on make-up, mascara included, I've checked a few websites, and I've written this blog.

I hope this laptop works out better than the last two. For some reason, I'm not very optimistic. And I never ask what more could go wrong, because I always, always find out the answer to that.

Blue Screen Thrice

In my neverending computer saga, Best Buy offered to exchange my laptop. So, I picked one out, took it home, opened it up, set it up, etc. And I've already gotten the blue screen three times. I was just playing with Word 2007, trying to figure out its idiosyncracies each time it happened. When I set it up all I did was follow the prompts, nothing else. I just called BB and they told me to bring it in and they'd see what the deal was. Yippee...it's a 40 mile round trip and I just love spending even more gas money.

Nevermind that I didn't even want this one. I wanted to get one half as cheap as the old one and had already picked out a flat screen TV, a TV stand, a dock for my Zune, and various smaller items for the remainder of the balance. Then I go up to the customer service desk and it took them 45 minutes to figure out that I could only exchange it. So, whatever, I picked out the only laptop they had that cost the same as my old one, even though I really didn't want it. I figured since they weren't going to give me a store credit or a refund, I didn't want to let them be several hundred dollars ahead for something that wasn't my fault to begin with. The whole reason I didn't want this one is because it is too similar to the old laptop I had---and it was HP. Even though the brand names are really the only difference, since they're all assembled at the same place, I didn't want another HP, period. I hate being made to go against my instincts.
I'm really pissed.

Rain, Rain, Rain and Academic Writing

*Warning: This will be extra bland, as it's all about my procrastination and academic writing.

So it's raining profusely this morning. Which is a sign that I need to get my butt in gear and write that abstract. Rain is ideal for me when it comes to research and writing. And yet, I sit here on this blog, because academic writing is a little more taxing than just pouring out a stream of consciousness like I am right now. (whine, whine, whine). After doing all the necessary research, it gets difficult to come up with an original thought. But, I'm at the point in school where I need to start presenting papers at conferences and I'm letting it overwhelm me. To my detriment. People don't make it through much of anything by allowing themselves to be intimidated and this is really no different. It's so easy to say doctoral level work is intimidating, because, really it is. If it wasn't, everyone would have a PhD.

This conference is seeking papers that deal with the idea of "America" (there's a reason that's in quotes) in literature, drama, music, and several other areas. Basically, it's looking at how we use our conflicting ideas of what "America" (because there is no singular definition, it's always being contested, as well it should be) is to include, exclude, celebrate, chastiste, etc. Since I'm thinking about doing my dissertation on how rural folk are represented, excluded, derided, and just plain made invisible in American literature, drama, and pop culture*, this is definitely a conference I need to attend, it's just a happy coincidence that it's in Austin. But really I'm just sitting here whining and procrastinating and "poor little me, I'm intimidated by those big, bad scholars" and I just make it more difficult than it has to be.

Mostly this is just me talking myself into applying the seat of pants to the chair so I can write this damned abstract. Carry on.

*the popularity of "white trash" theme parties and references to trailer parks, mullets, and ironic Def Leppard T-shirts on VH1 do not count (at least not until I come up with a new word for the "ism" that that stuff most definitely is, because I am trying to come up with a vocabulary to describe what I call "the problem with no name")

*Oooh! Random thought: I sent an email today, catching up with a friend and actually got to say "we went to the coast this weekend." How cool am I? And yeah, it was lots of fun.

Internet Time Suckage

I don't know how your Internet time suckage has been lately, but I was deeply amused the other day when I realized I'd found the same poster on two completely unrelated boards...so no, this isn't a thing where it's related boards with cross-posters or something like that. Playing Internet Dectective has been a major pastime for me to the detriment of much productivity. I guess the most entertaining aspect of this is that I used to post at a couple of related boards where one of the major pastimes was figuring out reincarnated and cross-posters. Except I found this one out in the wild, all on my own, completely by accident, so it is doubly comical.

Anyway, as I said, these two boards are completely different and totally unrelated. This is sheer coincidence! Also, I always wondered if this particular person is as bitchy in real life or if it's just keyboard courage. I wondered if she just put on a persona, and, to a degree, it seems that may be the case. On one board she really stood out because she is a prolific poster as well as prolifically bitchy. I'm sure she speaks her mind in real life and all, but I doubt it works as much to her advantage as she pretends. She revels in being one of the "Mean Girls" so much it is sad and hilarious all at the same time, because she tries so hard. She really puts effort into it, that's for sure. Some of her posts are great though, because she doesn't hold back and speaks her mind. But, that isn't necessarily a virtue in and of itself and I think she has some hard lessons to learn. She's so hell-bent on speaking her mind bluntly and rudely so that she almost seems like a caricuture at times. And then, for other reasons, I think there is more depth there and she's probably not as bad in real life. In fact, bitchy as she is, I'm not surprised that several posters have reported meeting her IRL and having drinks and good times with her.

So, one board is all about Hawaii and the other is a Greek board, for current/alumnae sorority/frat people. The reason I'm so amused is that it's unmistakably the same person and yet I see how she presents herself differently at both boards. She really seems like such a rude, obnoxious person at the Greek site, that sometimes you can't fathom how she'd have any real life friends willing to tolerate her. On that board she's rather insufferable much of the time. On the Hawaii board, she's a little more humble and down to earth, because that's how they roll. It's just funny to have noticed what she puts out on the one board and how she acts on the other. I know we're all social chameleons to a degree and hers isn't really any different, but I am reveling in some Internet Time Suckage watching her Zelig it up at one place and then the other.

I can totally see how she spins things one way at one board and then adjusts it slightly at the other board. It's not really totally out of whack, that's not what I'm saying, but she definitely puts up a different front at the Greek board. Basically, she tries to look "cooler" at the Greek board, because it really doesn't matter as much at the Hawaii board. For example, she mentioned at the Hawaii board that a bunch of girls were mean to her in high school and how she couldn't wait to show them up at a reunion. Pretty garden variety stuff, right? At the Greek board, the only way she'd admit that a bunch of girls made fun of her is by qualifying it with how she was a cheerleader and they were jealous of her status or something like that, but not saying it that explicitly. It would be more like how she and all her friends were cheerleaders and all the other girls were mean to them because of it. She would never admit to being left out any reindeer games at the Greek board, but probably wouldn't have any problem saying so at the other. Oh, and when she said she got dumped at the Hawaii board, she said it was time for the relationship to end, so it wasn't that bad, but that she'd never have been able to be the one to call it off herself. She'd never put that out on the Greek board because it would make her look a little vulnerable. For some reason, something tells me her persona is actually closer to the one on the Hawaii boards, because frankly, it's more believable. It's certainly more likeable, that's for sure. I pity her and those around her if she's actually more like she appears on the Greek board.

What tipped me off was that she made the exact same post at both boards. Not saying there's anything wrong with that, it's just what tipped me off. The fact that two people said exactly the same thing about the passing of Mr. Wizard was odd to me. Then, there were two other posts that were quite similar about a friend's class reunion that she'd just attended where her ex-boyfriend and his fiance were. So, I went through their posting history and realized that OTW and Lei Liko are the same person. Heh. So that's the lastest in my Internet Time Suckage. Amusing only to me, I realize, but I had to share anyway.

Spa Treatment, Journey, Sopranos, Blah Blah Blah...

Okay, so my visit to the spa was glorious. The esthetician that did my microdermabrasion said she really didn't recommend it for me and that I just need to moisturize and get facials every now and then. So, I actually followed that advice (I still got the microdermabrasion that day) and I can already tell a difference in the few days since I began an actual beauty regime, or something like it. I didn't buy the expensive stuff at the spa, I just went to CVS and bought drugstore stuff. I know "moisturize, moisturize, moisturize" is the mantra of all beauty industry workers, but I just never got into it. I was always a harsh soap and water girl. Hey, it worked for me for years, since my skin was the one thing I actually liked about myself. I now realize the error of my ways by not moisturizing. Next thing you know, I'll discover that eating veggies instead of chips and fried foods actually gives you more energy. After this visit, I can see why people are willing to spend extraordinary (to me) amounts of money at spas. I would love to get a hot stone massage, but I am still a poor grad student working for peanuts so that precludes expensive massages for a few years. Which is probably a good thing.

Sooo...Best Buy is refunding me in full for the computer. HP says they can't fix it. They also said I can't have my laptop back. WTF? It's mine. Apparently, they are stripping it for parts or something. I have a store credit that I have to use within 30 days. BB is also trying to get my data back from HP. Since the problem with my computer was external, there shouldn't be a problem with that, but since I think the real problem is that they lost my laptop, I am not holding my breath waiting to get my data back. The problem with this is that all of my lesson plans and every paper I've written in my first year in this program (somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 page) are on that laptop. I hadn't saved anything to my zip in awhile. I would've saved everything before I took it in, but I couldn't because one of the problems was that I couldn't turn it on b/c a the jack to the power supply was effed up. I really need those lesson plans and my papers and I can't understand why I can't have my computer back regardless of whether it's fixed or not. I am happy that I am getting a full store credit. It just doesn't replace my data.

Okay, so the Sopranos...I've only watched intermittantly in the last few seasons so I have been a little lost in these last few episodes, but that didn't diminish my enjoyment. I'm in the small minority that wasn't pissed about the ending. Maybe that's because I haven't been following it as closely. I guess I felt something of a cross between being let down a little bit and amused at the same time. All the hoopla surrounding the last episode serves as yet another reminder of how much I miss my Mom, because I know we'd have a marathon chat about it. It's all kinds of things that make me miss her and I realize that the Sopranos series finale is a totally mundane trigger to missing her, but talking about stuff like this was a major part of our relationship, so as trivial as it may seem, it really does hurt. She would so get a kick out of the Journey song making a comeback. She really loved Steve Perry's voice and still gave him props after their popularity died. It not only makes me sad, it just still feels really weird not to be able to call her to talk about stuff like this. My Dad can't participate in conversations about pop culture. He's 73, and kind of a fogie even for the seventysomething set.

So, I took just a small peek at the message boards to see what people were saying. Oy vey, I had to exit, because it was just too much. I begrudge no one their (over)investment in a show, because I'm still mourning the death of Gary on thirtysomething and I'm still outraged that that series is not out on DVD. I just couldn't read on and on, the endless analysis. Maybe it's because it's too close to shop talk for me and maybe because the only thing that would really satisfy me would be to discuss it with my Mom. Since it's basically my job to overanalyze plays to shreds, my need to analyze something creative is already sated. If I had stuck with accounting or didn't pursue theatre, I'm pretty sure I'd be on those boards dissecting it with the best of them because I'd have to get my jollies somehow. But I do understand the motivation and the appeal. Still, I couldn't help but groan when it came to posters fighting about the proper functioning of tableside jukeboxes at diners on the upper east coast. There were links to sites about tableside jukes and some were downright indignant, demanding to know if others had been to every roadside diner on the upper coast with these tableside jukes, because, in their experience, these jukes worked differently (or maybe the same, who cares?) than in the episode and for other posters. Sometimes that stuff is hilarious and sometimes it's just really stupid. But, that's TWOP for ya.

Now, lest the irony of me pointing out others for discussing inane things remain unacknowledged, I just have to say how thrilled I was to hear "Don't Stop Believin" on the finale. How could I hate the finale and feel cheated when they played that? It's impossible! My love affair with that song was rekindled when Stephen and LC listened to it on Season 2 of Laguna Beach. I honestly think Stephen really played that song of his own volition, instead of being prodded to do so by MTV, because I just can't imagine MTV busting that out on their own. I've even thought enough about this to wonder if his parents listened to Journey and that's how he discovered it. So yeah, here's the part where I acknowledge pot kettle, me, Twop, and all that. Hell, I was surprised that Laguna scene didn't end up on the cutting room floor just because they were listening to Journey instead of Maroon 5 (I have nothing against them, they're just the only the current top 40 overplayed group that I can reference). I thought it was hilarious when Journey ended up on the Top 10 downloaded Itunes for the next couple of weeks after it was played on Laguna Beach and The Family Guy. I guess it doesn't take much for me to be amused.

Microdermabrasion and The Real World

I made an appointment for tomorrow at a spa (I've never been to one!) to get some microdermabrasion done. I've never really had any skin problems, but I have these little tiny bumps on my forehead that I can't seem to get rid of so I decided I had to take action. Also, I'm starting to get a little vain now that I'm 35. Either it's vanity or I'm just starting to worry about my skin and lines and wrinkles for the first time. Or maybe I'm just proactive. I've actually wanted to do this for awhile now, so I'm excited. We'll see if I go with one treatment or if I go for the 3 treatment deal.

In other news, I can't wait to see the Real World Reunited Las Vegas tonight. Why, I have no idea since I hated that season and it was the first time I started skipping episodes. Now I don't even watch anymore, but I'm intrigued to see these people five years later for some reason.

What I really hate about the LV season is that I blame it for how the show has devolved. It seems like it started with that season and has only gotten worse. I know twenty year old kids today aren't anymore enlightened or stupid than Gen X was in their early twenties, but if you used Real World as any kind of barometer, that's certainly what it would look like. Or something like that. Anyway, I've never understood why it's more entertaining to watch random idiots hook up in a hot tub when they've known each other mere mintues. I don't have to feel superior to a group of idiots to be entertained. It actually has the opposite effect on me because it just makes me tune out. I liked the stuff a lot of people consider boring by today's standards. But I guess the salicious and the stupid are what people go for nowadays (geez, now I really sound old, using "nowadays" and all). Although I wonder about that, because it seems everyone who ever watched RW back in the day says the same thing. Do people really go for this tripe or is this just what MTV dishes out now? I actually liked watching them go grocery shopping and exploring the city (not just the bars). Remember when they used to have house meetings and dinners together and things like that? Remember when cast members actually had lives and goals and we knew about them? If a cast member does have something interesting to show, I'm sure MTV edits that out now.

I think the reason I actually want to watch this one is because I think it won't be all hot tubs and stupid stuff this time. And yeah, I am interested in what the people who started the downfall of what was once my favorite TV show are up to a few years later. I really like Brynn and I'm interested in her storyline since she's married with two kids, but I'm sure they won't focus on her at all. Arissa, Alton, and Irulan bore me to death. They bored me five years ago and they still bore me. I have zero interest in them. Because of that, I'm sure they will be the focus of the reunion. Sigh. But I still can't wait to watch...Heh.

The saga continues

I finally mustered up the courage to call Best Buy today. I put it off this morning, fearing the nervous breakdown I've always, um, feared. Anyway, BB told me they have requested an "RMA" to Hewlett Packard. I think this RMA stuff is pure comedy improv gold. This is why I sucked at retail. I couldn't improv the BS like this. RMA, I'm told stands for Return Merchandise Authorization, which means that they are requesting HP return my laptop whether it's fixed or not and that I'll get a full refund from BB.

I say how about a DMR, Demand the motherfucker returned back to me, because it's mine, not HP's. Supposedly, what will happen from here (in 48 hours, BB guesses) is that HP will respond and return my computer back to BB in C'dale who in turn will send to the nearest BB to me here in Austin. I say HP will futz around some more (that is, if I ever get my property back) and wait past June 24, when the warranty runs out making sure that I'll be stuck without a computer due to negligence on both sides.

The fact that my computer is sitting somewhere in Durham, NC not being fixed, not getting shipped back to me, appalls me. The fact that HP is telling me that they don't know where it is, yet BB is telling me that they have proof that it's in Durham, or that it was shipped there at the very least. Actually, I am not too happy with BB either. When I originally started calling when all of this started dragging out, they were very dismissive of me, telling me to call HP, who was absolutely of zero help. When BB saw that I wasn't going away, they started working with me yesterday. But, we'll see how far things get. I'm told that BB has contacted HP asking them to just return the computer immediately (fixed or not) and is waiting for HP to respond. I honestly think HP is playing "Finders Keepers" with me. It certainly feels that way.

A show of hands here. How many think I'll actually end up with my computer back in my possession within a week or so? How many think I'll never see it again and that HP will take no responsibility and that BB will try to weasel out of the refund? Hell, who knows, maybe it's UPS's fault.

At this point I could care less if it's fixed, I just want the fucker back in my possession.

Best Buy and Hewlett Packard Suck

Okay, so I took my laptop to Best Buy on April 28 to be fixed and it is still not in my possession. Frankly, I think it got lost and no one wants to take responsibility for it. Everything that was wrong with it was external and seemingly easy to fix. Homerow didn't work, the jack on the side didn't work, and my battery kept falling out. I bought this for $1500 last summer and it is still under warranty.

Sooooo....no one ever calls me to tell me what's going on and everytime I call Best Buy they tell me to call Hewlett Packard. Hewlett Packard has given me three different stories. The first was that it was fixed and would be sent back to Best Buy in a couple of days. The second story was that they are unable to fix so they will replace it and someone would call me in 24-48 hours, and then today's story is that they never got the computer, that Best Buy cancelled the order. Now HP is telling me that I should take legal action if Best Buy doesn't give me back my computer whether fixed or not.

The most glorious part of this is that when I took it in to be fixed I was in Carbondale, finishing up the semester. I knew I'd be leaving town to go back to Texas for the summer. They couldn't tell me how long it would take to be fixed, but it was anywhere from one week to one month. Knowing I'd be leaving and going 850 miles south during this timeframe made me nervous about leaving it. I should have listened to my instincts. They never are wrong, are they? Anyway, here it is June 4 and it still isn't in my possession and I'm starting to wonder if it ever will be and if anyone will take responsibility for it.

Am I crazy for thinking it has been lost or stolen? Is it HP or Best Buy?

Fritas and Rice Krispie Treats

So yeah, I decided to make frozen margaritas. Oh, and I tried one of those new Miller Chills. I'm a huge fan of lime. I even like it with beer. But I didn't like the Miller Chill. I guess it's kinda like tea and lemon. I like it when I add the lemon, not when it's premixed for me.

Anyway, somewhere along the way, I also decided it was a good idea to make rice krispie treats too. The good thing about it though, is that I realized the combo wouldn't be a good one. So I restrained myself after two bites (of course, it's not like it was that hard on a full stomach of liquor) and when I woke up this morning...manna from heaven I tells ya. It was awesome. For the first time in my post-20's drinking career I woke up after a night of drinking without a hangover! Wow! I just can't drink very often in my 30's because it takes an entire day to recover. Not this time though. I have no idea why. Especially since we're talking tequila here. I feel perfectly fine. It must be because I knew I'd get rice krispie treats in the morning or something.

In other inane news, I'm getting my hair done today. I'm excited because I haven't had a decent cut or color in months. The woman I go to here in Austin is great, but the guy I went to in C'dale just couldn't cut it (pardon the pun). So here's where Ima bitch about my hair so if that bores you, I suggest you stop reading right now.

Two cuts ago he put in layers that I didn't ask for and I'm still trying to grow it out. I like my swing cut, so let me stay with that! Look, I don't care if that cut is so, like five years ago. That's what's great about your thirties! If you find something that works for you, you can stick with it, momentary fads be damned! It doesn't matter if it's considered slightly out of date. Why? B/c you're not in your twenties anymore. Also, when it came to coloring, he always highlighted it several shades lighter than I wanted it. I have an olive complexion and really dark hair, but I like having carmel, not blonde highlights. This guy always took it up several notches and it always ended up looking really brassy. Way too blonde for my skin tone! Actually, I can't help but wonder if he knew exactly what he was doing. It was never sporadic highlights either, it was all over hair color! Everytime my hair slightly grew out, the roots and the contrast were awful! So, ostensibly, I'd have to run back to the hairdresser every four weeks to get a touch up, right? Not me. I'd rather run around a couple of extra (okay, four more) weeks looking like that girl that has a bad dye job and probably doesn't know any better. Well, I knew it. But it's not just the money, it's about my time too. When you have sixty hours of your week scheduled away, it's not like you want to devote 2 + hours to sitting in a chair breathing in chemicals. So yeah, this past academic year I ran around half the time looking like one of those girls that doesn't know any better. I even tried to give him the hint, well, more than a hint actually, by explaining that it was too light the previous time, that the coloring should be closer to my natural color so that the outgrowth isn't as bad, and that I don't have the time or money to run in on a monthly basis, so it's just best to go with something more subtle. Didn't seem to matter. So, this Fall when I go back to C'dale, I'm quite rightly breaking up with him (read: never calling him again). The awful thing is that I'm going to go to someone else in the same salon. Anyway, all of that was to say how happy I am that I'll be going to see Sarah today, and she always give great cuts and highlights. I also love her stories, which is also integral to being a great stylist in my opinion.

Anyway, I guess I better stop rambling and go for a walk. Yeah, I'm trying to exercise and get back in shape too. Heh. Like that will last.

Nothing really

So I planted a bunch of ground cover and some flowers this weekend. I'm really excited because we planted one tomato plant, one bunch of thyme, and a jalepeno pepper plant. Who knows, maybe I'll even end up with a couple tomatoes and a pepper or two. I usually start planting in March but since I wasn't here and J's Mom came to visit, she did a lot of planting for me. Which was really nice. Except several plants didn't make it due to all the rain we've been getting. There are a lot of bald spots that I still need to fill. Sigh.

What I can't figure out is why my first garden ever has been the best one. That was three years ago and it has never looked as good. Oh, and this garden I speak of, is actually a very, very small patio with a 1 1/2 foot perimeter of ground around the border for planting stuff. But, since it's more ground than I've ever had before (on my own) I call it my garden. Yes, you may mock me. I never thought I'd be the kind of person who has a garden or talks aobut it.

Switching gears here, I might have a few drinks tonight. J is going to a ball game in Houston and won't be back until really late, so it looks like frozen margaritas for me. Maybe. I'm still deciding. I don't know. I feel guilty. J can't really drink anymore and since I'm being supportive there's no liquor in the house anymore and I don't drink around him/in front of him. Kinda sucks for me because I like to have a drink now and then. I realize it's silly for me to feel guilty for having a drink just because he can't but I do anyway. Maybe I'll feel differently this evening after I rent a couple of DVD's and have the house to myself. We'll see.

My first blog

So, I have no idea whether this will become a regular thing for me or not. We'll see.
Right now I'm excited because J and I will be going to Corpus Christi for the weekend in a couple of weeks. I really need to be by the ocean and I hate being landlocked.

I actually dream about getting a job teaching at a school within driving distance of the ocean.
Yeah, I know it's never gonna happen, but I like to pretend it's possible. Besides, I have two other friends that teach at university and they dream about the same thing. And, if my friends think the same thing then I can't be crazy can I?

What's really neat about Corpus is that it's right on the Gulf and there is a university there---and on an island, no less! The cost of living is pretty cheap there and the housing market is totally not insane. In fact, it's lots cheaper than in Austin. Sigh...but it's really a longshot when all your hopes are tied to one position. It's not like I'll have a ton of options for different jobs when I graduate. I'm pretty much looking at teaching comm college or university and that's really about it. Soo...looking for a job according to geography isn't really the way to go...

Okay, eff this...it's soo boring to talk about job hunting, especially when that's a few years away. For now I'm still content to dream about teaching at a school by the ocean.