Woo to the Hoo! The semester is officially over! I turned in the last of my papers yesterday and I just handed in my grades for 101. I am so happy to be done. This was a particularly brutal semester. So much work and I can't believe I am finally done.
My historiography teacher had a party at her house last night. I really enjoyed being with people outside of my own department because we are so busy we usually don't get the chance to hang out with other people very often. Anyway, we turned in our papers at her house and she provided all the alcohol and food. It was awesome. She lives on a lake and has the most gorgeous view I've ever seen. Afterward, I went with some of my classmates to a bar and drank some more. When I woke up this morning I only had a slight hangover which quickly dissipated.
This summer I am staying in Carbondale to teach 101 and am taking two classes. One is a professional scholarly writing class where we come to class with a paper already written that we want to work to submit for publication. The goal is turn your paper into something that will get published. Since I'm at the point that I need to start publishing, I'm really glad a class is offered that addresses this issue. Most doc programs expect you to take care of all the stuff that goes into getting something accepted and get published in your "free" time, so it's great to get course credit for something we're expected to do anyway.
The other class I'm taking is dramaturgy which is my focus area of study in theatre---I'm actually theatre history and dramaturgy as they kind of go hand in hand with one another. I've never actually had a real dramaturgy class so I'm excited.
I'm most excited to report that I'm losing weight! 5 lbs so far, but I know I'm really going to do it this time. I've lost weight before, so I know it's possible. I lost 40 pounds back in '96 and managed to keep it off for about 10 years, so I've never yo-yo'd. I've put most of it on since grad school. A little of it was creeping up on me before I started, but I was really small to begin with, so I looked okay, but then I kept gaining...Anyway, I really want to get back to where I was when I really didn't worry about how my clothes looked because I looked okay no matter what style I wore. What freedom that was. When I picked out clothes the only criteria (besides cost, of course) was whether I liked it or not, I didn't have to worry that something would make me look bigger and everything always fit.
I am also sooo excited to have the time to clean my house! No, I say that without irony. Really.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Did you know when you google "School days dear old golden rule days" my blog is the fourth hit? It was a total accident. I was looking for the lyrics to the "school days" song for a performance I'm doing today in my Teaching as Performance class. Wow. I'm on the Internet for realz, now.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
13 Years
So, after 13 years Jeff and I are done. It was time and right now I'm just in shock that's it real.
He's often silent and hostile. That problem goes back years. I started to leave him about four years ago and couldn't do it, so this has been a long, long time coming. He's been really resentful of the fact that I'm gone and that school is such a priority. He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand what it takes to get what I'm aiming for. It's not even just how he's not right for me. I'm not right for him. He doesn't get academic life and the demands it makes. He needs someone that's happy doing what they are already doing, like working in an insurance office or something like that.
I haven't cried yet, which is unusual for me, but I know it was time and that this is the right thing. Eventually, I'm going to be so glad. I need someone that can be more positive and supportive, someone that doesn't make me feel guilty for trying to do what I'm doing, and someone that can communicate, someone that can deal with emotions and have conversations that go beyond the surface. He wasn't even speaking to me at all in the last week. As in, literally not speaking to me. He's been particularly resentful since I didn't go home for Spring Break because I had too much work to do. It's not easy to write papers when you're away. He couldn't deal with the fact that I am going to stay for the summer (I don't have much choice about it anyway) to teach and take classes. I couldn't tell him that I'll be done with course work at the end of the Fall semester. Because he'd expect me to run right back home, instead of staying to teach Theatre History, an upper-division, majors only class and the whole reason I'm getting a PhD. It was this class at this school, over 10 years ago, that made me want to get a PhD and teach theatre history. That I get to do this before I graduate, is really momentous. But, I couldn't share that with him and he wouldn't have shared in my triumph. He would've been pissed that I wasn't coming home. He couldn't understand why I need to stay here to do my dissertation. More and more, it felt like I couldn't be myself around him. He's just a hostile person. He's an alcoholic that refuses to do anything about it (yes, he acknowledges he has a problem, he just doesn't want to stop drinking). He makes some really terrible decisions when he's been drinking. I never had the feeling he was proud of me.
It's a major relief, but right now the numbness is starting to wear off and I'm starting to feel that pit in my stomach. Except, I know this is right. I know eventually, it'll feel really liberating and I'll be glad to be autonomous. Still, I am feeling sad, and am losing a major part of myself. 13 years. We met in '95, here at the school I'm going to now. He had the dorm room above me. I can't believe how long ago that was and how much has happened since then.
So yeah he drinks a lot and sometimes he doesn't make the best decisions and I just know he's going engage in self-destructive behavior. I have a very strong support system with lots of friends that I can talk to who are always there for me. He doesn't really have that. He doesn't communicate and he doesn't have any friendships that go beyond the superficial. This worries me.
I've had so many major life changes since I started this program. I can't begin to describe the pressure of this program and the work it entails---and to add that losing my Mom, having to deal with my sister, and seeing the end of my relationship is quite a lot and I honestly don't know how I'm making it. I just know that it seems like every time I turn around there's something major life-altering thing happening; it's as if I don't have the right to be selfish and concentrate on this program without the whole world going to hell. That's too bad. I'm still going to get my PhD and I'm sick and tired of stuff trying to pull me away from what I'm trying to do here. I have every right to get a doctorate and if he can't deal with that, then we're better off apart. Some people even manage to get their advanced degrees without their partner going off the rails or resenting them for it. I deserve that, and since he can't do that for me, I'd rather not have this turmoil in my life. Not being supportive, being hostile and silent are deal breakers for me. Silence is manipulation and it's very domineering and I'm not putting up with it. I don't care how long we've been together. No one has the right to treat me that way.
He'll be coming down in a month or so to bring the rest of my stuff. He's not being a major jerk in that regard and for that I am thankful. We'll probably talk here and there, but for right now, it's better not to.
I'm just starting to feel a particular sadness that I can't describe. Just a pit of sadness that hurts. It's starting to feel like I'm in mourning. I know I'll be okay and that this is just part of it. I just literally don't know what to do with myself. I can't believe I can't talk to him and that he's no longer a part of my life. I can't stop worrying about him.
I'm going to be fine because, eventually, I'll be living the life I was meant to live, but right now I'm mourning the loss of this one. It's so weird right now.
***
ETA: Friday we had an earthquake. I felt nothing. Most people felt it shaking their houses, but no major damage. I didn't feel any of the aftershocks either. So, last night I'm lying in bed, not moving a muscle, hoping for sleep, and was almost about to drift off, but with all these thoughts swirling around in my head, when I felt the bed shake. I thought, "did this bed just shake?" Then it shook again and a couple of more times as if in answer to my question. It was another earthquake. It was just really weird because I have so much on my mind and it had been a monumental day in my life, then the earth literally quakes beneath me just as I'm thinking about all the major life changes I'm going through. It was so goddamned metaphoric or literal or something like that.
He's often silent and hostile. That problem goes back years. I started to leave him about four years ago and couldn't do it, so this has been a long, long time coming. He's been really resentful of the fact that I'm gone and that school is such a priority. He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand what it takes to get what I'm aiming for. It's not even just how he's not right for me. I'm not right for him. He doesn't get academic life and the demands it makes. He needs someone that's happy doing what they are already doing, like working in an insurance office or something like that.
I haven't cried yet, which is unusual for me, but I know it was time and that this is the right thing. Eventually, I'm going to be so glad. I need someone that can be more positive and supportive, someone that doesn't make me feel guilty for trying to do what I'm doing, and someone that can communicate, someone that can deal with emotions and have conversations that go beyond the surface. He wasn't even speaking to me at all in the last week. As in, literally not speaking to me. He's been particularly resentful since I didn't go home for Spring Break because I had too much work to do. It's not easy to write papers when you're away. He couldn't deal with the fact that I am going to stay for the summer (I don't have much choice about it anyway) to teach and take classes. I couldn't tell him that I'll be done with course work at the end of the Fall semester. Because he'd expect me to run right back home, instead of staying to teach Theatre History, an upper-division, majors only class and the whole reason I'm getting a PhD. It was this class at this school, over 10 years ago, that made me want to get a PhD and teach theatre history. That I get to do this before I graduate, is really momentous. But, I couldn't share that with him and he wouldn't have shared in my triumph. He would've been pissed that I wasn't coming home. He couldn't understand why I need to stay here to do my dissertation. More and more, it felt like I couldn't be myself around him. He's just a hostile person. He's an alcoholic that refuses to do anything about it (yes, he acknowledges he has a problem, he just doesn't want to stop drinking). He makes some really terrible decisions when he's been drinking. I never had the feeling he was proud of me.
It's a major relief, but right now the numbness is starting to wear off and I'm starting to feel that pit in my stomach. Except, I know this is right. I know eventually, it'll feel really liberating and I'll be glad to be autonomous. Still, I am feeling sad, and am losing a major part of myself. 13 years. We met in '95, here at the school I'm going to now. He had the dorm room above me. I can't believe how long ago that was and how much has happened since then.
So yeah he drinks a lot and sometimes he doesn't make the best decisions and I just know he's going engage in self-destructive behavior. I have a very strong support system with lots of friends that I can talk to who are always there for me. He doesn't really have that. He doesn't communicate and he doesn't have any friendships that go beyond the superficial. This worries me.
I've had so many major life changes since I started this program. I can't begin to describe the pressure of this program and the work it entails---and to add that losing my Mom, having to deal with my sister, and seeing the end of my relationship is quite a lot and I honestly don't know how I'm making it. I just know that it seems like every time I turn around there's something major life-altering thing happening; it's as if I don't have the right to be selfish and concentrate on this program without the whole world going to hell. That's too bad. I'm still going to get my PhD and I'm sick and tired of stuff trying to pull me away from what I'm trying to do here. I have every right to get a doctorate and if he can't deal with that, then we're better off apart. Some people even manage to get their advanced degrees without their partner going off the rails or resenting them for it. I deserve that, and since he can't do that for me, I'd rather not have this turmoil in my life. Not being supportive, being hostile and silent are deal breakers for me. Silence is manipulation and it's very domineering and I'm not putting up with it. I don't care how long we've been together. No one has the right to treat me that way.
He'll be coming down in a month or so to bring the rest of my stuff. He's not being a major jerk in that regard and for that I am thankful. We'll probably talk here and there, but for right now, it's better not to.
I'm just starting to feel a particular sadness that I can't describe. Just a pit of sadness that hurts. It's starting to feel like I'm in mourning. I know I'll be okay and that this is just part of it. I just literally don't know what to do with myself. I can't believe I can't talk to him and that he's no longer a part of my life. I can't stop worrying about him.
I'm going to be fine because, eventually, I'll be living the life I was meant to live, but right now I'm mourning the loss of this one. It's so weird right now.
***
ETA: Friday we had an earthquake. I felt nothing. Most people felt it shaking their houses, but no major damage. I didn't feel any of the aftershocks either. So, last night I'm lying in bed, not moving a muscle, hoping for sleep, and was almost about to drift off, but with all these thoughts swirling around in my head, when I felt the bed shake. I thought, "did this bed just shake?" Then it shook again and a couple of more times as if in answer to my question. It was another earthquake. It was just really weird because I have so much on my mind and it had been a monumental day in my life, then the earth literally quakes beneath me just as I'm thinking about all the major life changes I'm going through. It was so goddamned metaphoric or literal or something like that.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Blahg, Blahg, Blahg
I'm on Spring Break and it's snowing. But I'm on Spring Break, biotch!
Jen, if you're actually reading this, I'm going to call you this week! No, really I will!!
Spring Break means I can actually work uninterrupted by, you know, actual classes and other sundry and related responsibilities. I guess you know you're getting old when you're actually excited to be on Spring Break so you can work on projects as opposed to doing body shots (not that I ever did those). The only shot I'll be in proximity to this week is a wheatgrass shot (um, not that I'd do one of those either) since an old friend and I are getting together and going to a spa to get pedicures! I've never had one, so I'm really stoked.
Projects I want to jumpstart, finish, or work on that I'm actually excited to be working on: Brothel Drama in the early twentieth century (yes it's an actual genre, who knew?); a paper on the historiography of the Salem witch trials; a paper on 80's young adult fiction; a paper on 80's music videos (the latter two for a conference on pop culture); and compile a DVD for my 101 class on the "isms" (surrealism, expressionism, symbolism, etc) by using things like Nine Inch Nails videos, the "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) by the Eurythmics video, and other "weird" music videos to teach the stuff in theatre that isn't straight-forward, realism. This is stuff I either have to do for classes or need to get working on for panel conferences outside of school, but I really am excited about each of these projects. I just hope I don't procrastinate. But, that's up to me, really.
Aint it cute when you have all these ambitions and intentions? Let's see where I am by March 16...
Jen, if you're actually reading this, I'm going to call you this week! No, really I will!!
Spring Break means I can actually work uninterrupted by, you know, actual classes and other sundry and related responsibilities. I guess you know you're getting old when you're actually excited to be on Spring Break so you can work on projects as opposed to doing body shots (not that I ever did those). The only shot I'll be in proximity to this week is a wheatgrass shot (um, not that I'd do one of those either) since an old friend and I are getting together and going to a spa to get pedicures! I've never had one, so I'm really stoked.
Projects I want to jumpstart, finish, or work on that I'm actually excited to be working on: Brothel Drama in the early twentieth century (yes it's an actual genre, who knew?); a paper on the historiography of the Salem witch trials; a paper on 80's young adult fiction; a paper on 80's music videos (the latter two for a conference on pop culture); and compile a DVD for my 101 class on the "isms" (surrealism, expressionism, symbolism, etc) by using things like Nine Inch Nails videos, the "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) by the Eurythmics video, and other "weird" music videos to teach the stuff in theatre that isn't straight-forward, realism. This is stuff I either have to do for classes or need to get working on for panel conferences outside of school, but I really am excited about each of these projects. I just hope I don't procrastinate. But, that's up to me, really.
Aint it cute when you have all these ambitions and intentions? Let's see where I am by March 16...
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Another Ice Day!
School has been cancelled again! I guess calling it a Snow Day is something of a misnomer, since it's really all ice/sleet. I can't leave my house, but that's the price you pay. W0oT!!11!!
ZOMG!!111!eleventy!!
Snow Day! I haven't checked outside yet, but last week we had 8 inches of solid ice which had finally melted away in the last couple of days. I actually prepared for this one! I now own a snow shovel for the first time in my life (yuck, that this is a necessity). I only have a bit of rock salt left, but there is absolutely none to be found in this town, so there wasn't much I could do about that. It's even gotten to the point where rumors are going around about what stores are getting in shipments at what time.
The real reason this is great is because I had to facilitate the discussion in my Historiography class which is a night class and I felt like there was no way in hell I could last that long. I am so tired, I feel insane.
I'm going back to bed, y'all! Woo-Hoo!
The real reason this is great is because I had to facilitate the discussion in my Historiography class which is a night class and I felt like there was no way in hell I could last that long. I am so tired, I feel insane.
I'm going back to bed, y'all! Woo-Hoo!
Monday, February 18, 2008
My Hair
So, I'm trying to grow out my hair. Short was fun, but dull. I need a little length. I hate the patience it's going to take. Basically, to get to my weight and hair goals, it will take 6-12 months. Sigh.
I just can't wait for this Chad Michael Murray hair phase to be over. Should take another month or so.
I just can't wait for this Chad Michael Murray hair phase to be over. Should take another month or so.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Oh, another one of those damn survey posts
Ganked from Le Monk Seal, by way of Le Sticky. by way of AJ.
1. Spell your name without an E,R,S,H,K,I,M,L,C,A,Y,N.
Can't be done.
2. Are you single? No.
3. What is your favorite number?
I'm not doing the 1-10 thing, so it's 222, because that number keeps recurring throughout my life.
4. What is your favorite color? Depends on what we're talking about. Clothes: earthtones....Actually, I guess I prefer earthtones all the way around.
5. Least favorite color? I'll gank AJ's and say hot pink and add peach and baby blue to the mix as well.
6. What are you listening to?
Um, does "That Smell" by Lynyrd Skynyrd playing in my head count?
7. Are you happy with your life right now? I guess, I'm busy (yes, despite the fact that I'm wasting time while I enjoy the beginnings of a migraine) but I am doing something I want to do. I just wish it were less stressful.
8. Are you involved with anyone? Yes.
9. What is your favorite subject in school? I'd have to say Theatre History, since that is my area of focus.
10.Do you shop at Abercrombie?No, but I appreciate the half-naked models in their stores. *I'll keep AJ's response intact since I share the same sentiment.
11. Do you have money?Heh. No. *Ha! Yet another area where AJ and I are of two minds.
12. Would you take an ex back:? No, not because of animosity or anything. It's just that grunge was in the last time I was with anyone besides Jeff.
13. Are you outgoing? Depends on the situation.
14. Are you gay? Only when I'm drunk. Kidding. No.
15. Where do you wish you were right now? Haleiwa
16. What should you be doing right now? Grading, reading, research, writing.
Can you blow a bubble? Why are only some of these questions numbered? *Yeah, what AJ said. Yes, I can blow a bubble.
Can you do a cart wheel? No, and it is the bane of my existence.
Can you touch your toes? Yes.
Can you wiggle your ears? No, and I wouldn't want to.
Can you touch your tongue to your nose? Yes.
THE DIDS:
Did you ever want to be a doctor? Nope.
Did you ever want to be a fire fighter? Nope.
Did you ever want to be a teacher? Yes I did and I am.
Did you vote for Bush? Aw, Hell to the Naw!
THE DOs:
Do you like rollercoasters? Love them. Hate the lines.
Do you own a bike? Can't remember the last time I owned a bike. Junior High?
Do you play the lotto? Once in awhile. Gotta get that dream home in Haleiwa somehow.
Do you like football? It's too complicated for me to understand.
Do you have a shopping addiction?I can't afford one, but I dream of the day when I will. *I'm ganking AJ's here too.
THE DOES:
Does your family have family picnics? No.
Does your wallet have any pics in it? My student ID.
Does your job bring you satisfaction?Sometimes.
Does a soft answer turn away wrath? I wish.
Does sex mean love? 'cha riiight.
THE LASTS:
Last person you hung out with? Saturday night Jeff and I went to PK's and The Cellar.
Last car ride? My friend/officemate David gave me a ride home since I can't drive my car until the rear windshield gets fixed.
Last text message? Sticky and JaLinda both wished me a Happy Valentine's Day at the same time!
Last baby you held? I honestly can't remember, and even though I don't want any of my own, I love love love holding babies. They're sooo kewt! No really! Stop looking at me that way!
Last time you shaved? Sunday
LAST THING.
What was the last thing you bought? I ordered a spinach, garlic, and pepperoncini pizza from Pagliai's. Mmmm.
last thing you had to drink? Orange Juice.
What was the last thing you watched? Celebrity Rehab.
Last thing you read? A book on the Salem Witch Trials for my Historiography class.
What was the last thing you hand wrote? a paper for my historiography class.
THE WHOS: who was the last person you talked to? Jeff
Who was the last person you took a picture of? Jeff
Who was the last person to leave you a comment? Stix
CURRENTLY:
What color shirt are you wearing? Maroon. Go Salukis!
any tattoos? No.
Have you any piercings? Navel and ears
Straight hair or curly? I have a short, Bed-headish kind of 'do.
Where are you? On my couch waiting for the Nyquil to kick in.
HAVE YOU EVER:
Failed a class?No.
Professed your love and been turned down?No. Thank God.
Accomplished a life goal? For reals, I have to say the same as AJ here, because I grew up in about the most backwoods, country bumpkin place there could be---you know it's backwards if it doesn't have a Wal-Mart, a stoplight, or a McDonald's---a town of less than 1000 with the nearest big city 3 hours away. I think just getting out of there is an accomplishment.
Sang in front of a crowd? Hell no. They don't make liquor that strong.
SEVEN THINGS YOU WILL FIND IN YOUR ROOM:
1. Candles
2. Shoes
3. Jewelry
4. Flannel PJ pants
5. SIU/Saluki paraphenalia
6. make-up
7. Hair products
THREE RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS:
1. In a relationship? Yes
2. Want a relationship? Yes.
3. Wanna get married? Been living in sin for a dozen years now, but I don't rule anything out. I don't really care one way or the other.
Four things on your mind:
1. When will the goddammned ice melt? It won't because what little melted today is supposed to come back tomorrow.
2. Can I ever get back to my old weight?
3. Can I just have a week that doesn't have a mile-long to-do list?
4. How will my 24 hour review go? (where all the members of my dissertation committee get together, while I sit there being interrogated by 5 people to scare the crap out of me.)
1. Spell your name without an E,R,S,H,K,I,M,L,C,A,Y,N.
Can't be done.
2. Are you single? No.
3. What is your favorite number?
I'm not doing the 1-10 thing, so it's 222, because that number keeps recurring throughout my life.
4. What is your favorite color? Depends on what we're talking about. Clothes: earthtones....Actually, I guess I prefer earthtones all the way around.
5. Least favorite color? I'll gank AJ's and say hot pink and add peach and baby blue to the mix as well.
6. What are you listening to?
Um, does "That Smell" by Lynyrd Skynyrd playing in my head count?
7. Are you happy with your life right now? I guess, I'm busy (yes, despite the fact that I'm wasting time while I enjoy the beginnings of a migraine) but I am doing something I want to do. I just wish it were less stressful.
8. Are you involved with anyone? Yes.
9. What is your favorite subject in school? I'd have to say Theatre History, since that is my area of focus.
10.Do you shop at Abercrombie?No, but I appreciate the half-naked models in their stores. *I'll keep AJ's response intact since I share the same sentiment.
11. Do you have money?Heh. No. *Ha! Yet another area where AJ and I are of two minds.
12. Would you take an ex back:? No, not because of animosity or anything. It's just that grunge was in the last time I was with anyone besides Jeff.
13. Are you outgoing? Depends on the situation.
14. Are you gay? Only when I'm drunk. Kidding. No.
15. Where do you wish you were right now? Haleiwa
16. What should you be doing right now? Grading, reading, research, writing.
Can you blow a bubble? Why are only some of these questions numbered? *Yeah, what AJ said. Yes, I can blow a bubble.
Can you do a cart wheel? No, and it is the bane of my existence.
Can you touch your toes? Yes.
Can you wiggle your ears? No, and I wouldn't want to.
Can you touch your tongue to your nose? Yes.
THE DIDS:
Did you ever want to be a doctor? Nope.
Did you ever want to be a fire fighter? Nope.
Did you ever want to be a teacher? Yes I did and I am.
Did you vote for Bush? Aw, Hell to the Naw!
THE DOs:
Do you like rollercoasters? Love them. Hate the lines.
Do you own a bike? Can't remember the last time I owned a bike. Junior High?
Do you play the lotto? Once in awhile. Gotta get that dream home in Haleiwa somehow.
Do you like football? It's too complicated for me to understand.
Do you have a shopping addiction?I can't afford one, but I dream of the day when I will. *I'm ganking AJ's here too.
THE DOES:
Does your family have family picnics? No.
Does your wallet have any pics in it? My student ID.
Does your job bring you satisfaction?Sometimes.
Does a soft answer turn away wrath? I wish.
Does sex mean love? 'cha riiight.
THE LASTS:
Last person you hung out with? Saturday night Jeff and I went to PK's and The Cellar.
Last car ride? My friend/officemate David gave me a ride home since I can't drive my car until the rear windshield gets fixed.
Last text message? Sticky and JaLinda both wished me a Happy Valentine's Day at the same time!
Last baby you held? I honestly can't remember, and even though I don't want any of my own, I love love love holding babies. They're sooo kewt! No really! Stop looking at me that way!
Last time you shaved? Sunday
LAST THING.
What was the last thing you bought? I ordered a spinach, garlic, and pepperoncini pizza from Pagliai's. Mmmm.
last thing you had to drink? Orange Juice.
What was the last thing you watched? Celebrity Rehab.
Last thing you read? A book on the Salem Witch Trials for my Historiography class.
What was the last thing you hand wrote? a paper for my historiography class.
THE WHOS: who was the last person you talked to? Jeff
Who was the last person you took a picture of? Jeff
Who was the last person to leave you a comment? Stix
CURRENTLY:
What color shirt are you wearing? Maroon. Go Salukis!
any tattoos? No.
Have you any piercings? Navel and ears
Straight hair or curly? I have a short, Bed-headish kind of 'do.
Where are you? On my couch waiting for the Nyquil to kick in.
HAVE YOU EVER:
Failed a class?No.
Professed your love and been turned down?No. Thank God.
Accomplished a life goal? For reals, I have to say the same as AJ here, because I grew up in about the most backwoods, country bumpkin place there could be---you know it's backwards if it doesn't have a Wal-Mart, a stoplight, or a McDonald's---a town of less than 1000 with the nearest big city 3 hours away. I think just getting out of there is an accomplishment.
Sang in front of a crowd? Hell no. They don't make liquor that strong.
SEVEN THINGS YOU WILL FIND IN YOUR ROOM:
1. Candles
2. Shoes
3. Jewelry
4. Flannel PJ pants
5. SIU/Saluki paraphenalia
6. make-up
7. Hair products
THREE RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS:
1. In a relationship? Yes
2. Want a relationship? Yes.
3. Wanna get married? Been living in sin for a dozen years now, but I don't rule anything out. I don't really care one way or the other.
Four things on your mind:
1. When will the goddammned ice melt? It won't because what little melted today is supposed to come back tomorrow.
2. Can I ever get back to my old weight?
3. Can I just have a week that doesn't have a mile-long to-do list?
4. How will my 24 hour review go? (where all the members of my dissertation committee get together, while I sit there being interrogated by 5 people to scare the crap out of me.)
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
My Back Windshield Exploded
...it just completely disintegrated.
...and no, I didn't pour hot water on it.
...and no, I didn't pour hot water on it.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Good Luck Jen!
Jen deserves her own entry since she is birthing a baby as I type this! She's a surrogate for a gay couple. She's truly an awesome human being and I just wish her the very best. I'm sending her all the hugs I possibly can.
Snow Day!
That's right, an actual honest to god Snow Day! Supposedly, this school has only shut down twice since the "Days of May" student riots over the Kent State shootings. Today is one of them. Yesterday could've qualified as a quasi-snow day, because they cancelled night classes and I had one, but I was already there to work at the box office. The timing couldn't have been any better as I'm really sick and needed to stay home anyway.
I guess you know you've grown up when your Snow Day euphoria is tainted by the worry that the power will go out. Judging from the looks of the power lines it isn't out of the realm of possibility. My portable heater is in Chicago.
I can't open my front door and I don't own a shovel. But it's a Snow Day!
Update: I am stuck in my house, as in literally stuck. The front door won't open more than a few inches. I tried the hot water trick but it's going to take someone on the other side of the door to break the ice with a heavy duty shovel.
I guess you know you've grown up when your Snow Day euphoria is tainted by the worry that the power will go out. Judging from the looks of the power lines it isn't out of the realm of possibility. My portable heater is in Chicago.
I can't open my front door and I don't own a shovel. But it's a Snow Day!
Update: I am stuck in my house, as in literally stuck. The front door won't open more than a few inches. I tried the hot water trick but it's going to take someone on the other side of the door to break the ice with a heavy duty shovel.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Random Fact About Me
A few years ago I emailed a video request to VH1Classic and, not only did they play my video during the request hour, they said my name three times! Once was for admonishing me for not telling them what cable station I watched them on. I figured I paid Time Warner enough every month without pimping them for free so I purposely left that info out of my email.
They emailed me back to let me know what day it would play. It's also kind of funny because there are people on the VH1Classic message board that post every single day about how mad they are that their requests never go through. Seriously, there are people that keep spreadsheets of everything they play and you can ask them, "what was the playlist on January 31st 1998?" Or, how many times have they played "Puttin' on the Ritz" by Taco? "Have they ever played the German version of 99Luftballoons?" And they would have the answer. These are not VH1 employees. Now, to be fair, I must admit wouldn't have such a great 80's video collection (20 hours worth) if weren't for them posting the playlist everyday (every show is repeated at 12 hour intervals, so after it plays the first time it's posted and then I'd know what to look out for later that day). Oh, and did you know they've never played Soft Cell's "Tainted Love" video? There's some problem over it, but yep, that's the word on the board.
So, getting back to the request: I knew there was an art to it. It couldn't be too obscure, and of course, what's the sense in requesting something like Madonna gets a lot of airtime? I requested Paul Young's "Come Back and Stay" c. 1983. I'd only seen the video once, but I had the album back in the day (yes, as in vinyl) and hadn't heard the song since grade school. I knew they'd play it, it fit the "obscure enough without being too obscure category they sometimes try to fulfill. Two weeks later, I got an email from them! How cool is that? Then I thought of those poor schmucks on the message board who faithfully email requests every week and have for years, only to be turned down each and every week. They didn't like it much when I posted my good news.
Anyway, I just had my mp3 on shuffle and it came up, thus prompting this post. Aren't you glad you read this entire post?
They emailed me back to let me know what day it would play. It's also kind of funny because there are people on the VH1Classic message board that post every single day about how mad they are that their requests never go through. Seriously, there are people that keep spreadsheets of everything they play and you can ask them, "what was the playlist on January 31st 1998?" Or, how many times have they played "Puttin' on the Ritz" by Taco? "Have they ever played the German version of 99Luftballoons?" And they would have the answer. These are not VH1 employees. Now, to be fair, I must admit wouldn't have such a great 80's video collection (20 hours worth) if weren't for them posting the playlist everyday (every show is repeated at 12 hour intervals, so after it plays the first time it's posted and then I'd know what to look out for later that day). Oh, and did you know they've never played Soft Cell's "Tainted Love" video? There's some problem over it, but yep, that's the word on the board.
So, getting back to the request: I knew there was an art to it. It couldn't be too obscure, and of course, what's the sense in requesting something like Madonna gets a lot of airtime? I requested Paul Young's "Come Back and Stay" c. 1983. I'd only seen the video once, but I had the album back in the day (yes, as in vinyl) and hadn't heard the song since grade school. I knew they'd play it, it fit the "obscure enough without being too obscure category they sometimes try to fulfill. Two weeks later, I got an email from them! How cool is that? Then I thought of those poor schmucks on the message board who faithfully email requests every week and have for years, only to be turned down each and every week. They didn't like it much when I posted my good news.
Anyway, I just had my mp3 on shuffle and it came up, thus prompting this post. Aren't you glad you read this entire post?
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Ramblings
So...finally the benefit of Jeff having taken this new job (although Chicago suburbs and "barf" still belong in the same sentence) has materialized because he was just here for a few days and was able to work from his laptop. There have been 2 break-ins at my trailer court (1 was right across me, mere feet away) and 2 more on my street. In addition to his company of course, it was nice to have him and his F-150 with Texas plates in my driveway while I was at school Friday.
Nothing about this move over the Xmas break was easy. Moving is never easy or fun of course, but everything that could go wrong did. The movers turned out to be scam artists, but we eventually got our stuff back. They basically couldn't/wouldn't tell us where our stuff was for over a month. Which really sucked because we'd already rented a place, so it was just sitting empty and yet we were paying. Jeff and I spent the break either in a hotel room or staying with his parents who live 2 hrs from where he works, so he was traveling 4 hours round trip during this whole saga. When they finally called and said they had our stuff, they said they needed $(Insert Insane Amount of Money Here) to deliver. And it had to be in cash. Had to be. No Cashier's Check accepted. Hmmm...wonder why that was? Probably because there would be a paper trail that we could use to turn around and sue them.
Then every other detail that could go wrong or be a horribly long and drawn out process has been, (banks, mail utilities, etc.). I've known Jeff for going on 13 years and I've never heard him say he missed a place or wanted to move back somewhere and he has lived a lot of places, but he is really missing Texas and wants to move back when I'm done with school. I feel bad for him, so I'm hoping he can start to adjust and with us getting to spend more time together, that it'll finally start to get better, because right now that's the only advantage Chicago offers as far as he/we are concerned.
Anyway, the weekend was nice. We went out and ran into people we knew from back in the day. Sometimes it's really weird seeing people you used to party with all the time ten years later. I'm sure they're thinking "I can't believe they're stiiilll together." Carbondale is a weird place sometimes. It's this vortex that keeps pulling people (like me) back in, yet there's still room for relative anonymity.
Oh yeah...so my roof is leaking like crazy. I'm calling the landlord on Monday. He's always very good about fixing things and is always here right away. I usually see him around the premesis just about every day, so that's good. One weird thing I'm worried about is that one of the leaks is right above a light fixture, a globe looking thingy. Well, a lot of water has collected inside that globe thingy. I'm thinking it's probably not a good idea to turn that light on right? Sometimes I lack common sense on stuff like this, so I'm just gonna take the safe route and not use that light.
So, I'm out of random crap to spew right now. I guess I'll stop here now.
Nothing about this move over the Xmas break was easy. Moving is never easy or fun of course, but everything that could go wrong did. The movers turned out to be scam artists, but we eventually got our stuff back. They basically couldn't/wouldn't tell us where our stuff was for over a month. Which really sucked because we'd already rented a place, so it was just sitting empty and yet we were paying. Jeff and I spent the break either in a hotel room or staying with his parents who live 2 hrs from where he works, so he was traveling 4 hours round trip during this whole saga. When they finally called and said they had our stuff, they said they needed $(Insert Insane Amount of Money Here) to deliver. And it had to be in cash. Had to be. No Cashier's Check accepted. Hmmm...wonder why that was? Probably because there would be a paper trail that we could use to turn around and sue them.
Then every other detail that could go wrong or be a horribly long and drawn out process has been, (banks, mail utilities, etc.). I've known Jeff for going on 13 years and I've never heard him say he missed a place or wanted to move back somewhere and he has lived a lot of places, but he is really missing Texas and wants to move back when I'm done with school. I feel bad for him, so I'm hoping he can start to adjust and with us getting to spend more time together, that it'll finally start to get better, because right now that's the only advantage Chicago offers as far as he/we are concerned.
Anyway, the weekend was nice. We went out and ran into people we knew from back in the day. Sometimes it's really weird seeing people you used to party with all the time ten years later. I'm sure they're thinking "I can't believe they're stiiilll together." Carbondale is a weird place sometimes. It's this vortex that keeps pulling people (like me) back in, yet there's still room for relative anonymity.
Oh yeah...so my roof is leaking like crazy. I'm calling the landlord on Monday. He's always very good about fixing things and is always here right away. I usually see him around the premesis just about every day, so that's good. One weird thing I'm worried about is that one of the leaks is right above a light fixture, a globe looking thingy. Well, a lot of water has collected inside that globe thingy. I'm thinking it's probably not a good idea to turn that light on right? Sometimes I lack common sense on stuff like this, so I'm just gonna take the safe route and not use that light.
So, I'm out of random crap to spew right now. I guess I'll stop here now.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Celebrity Rehab, Random
Okay, who's as addicted to this show as I am? I tuned in because of Dr. Drew (I have a crush on him) but was afraid it might be exploitive and I couldn't imagine (or didn't want to) Dr. Drew being involved in something like that.
I know I'm an oldie, because I had no idea who Seth was. I've heard snippets of the Butterfly song, but couldn't have identified it by name or singer until now. I had to look up who he even was and youtube the song. I'd heard it plenty, but that was about it. Oh, and since I'm the only American I know that doesn't watch AI, I had no idea who Jessica Sierra was.
I'm not spoiling myself because I want to watch it without the prior knowledge of how they turn out. I'm really interested in seeing how they all turn out, especially the women. Daniel Baldwin, I could care less about, for some reason.
I'm also addicted to Scott Baio's 46 and pregnant. He might have some jerkish tendancies, but ultimately, I think all the kvetching he does is probably a good thing, or at least comes from the right place. At least it shows how seriously he takes it. Oh, and how great is the music? Pretty fecking great, seeing as I have most of the songs on my mp3.
As for school, my 101 class isn't very responsive, which makes me a sucky teacher (I have to have something to bounce off of; I can't just talk to the air) and makes it a chore to go there. It's odd too, because they seem to have the ability to think abstractly moreso than any other class I've had, but their verbal engagement vs their written engagement is really a stark contrast. My class isn't all about lecture, because it requires the student to actively participate, but they seem to want me to do all the work while they sit there and listen (or not).
I'd take it personally, but other classes have been far more interactive and, if I may say, really dug me. This bunch just sits there like bumps on a log. It's that "too cool for school" attitude---which should automatically disqualify you from college; let someone else in who really wants to be there and appreciates the opportunity. As for my homework, I have 800 pages (okay, really it was 799 to be exact) of reading this week. We won't talk about all the other crap, because reading is just one facet of the very long to-do homework list.
So there, I updated you and now you'll know why I don't mention school more than I do. Either I'd bitch or bore you.
I know I'm an oldie, because I had no idea who Seth was. I've heard snippets of the Butterfly song, but couldn't have identified it by name or singer until now. I had to look up who he even was and youtube the song. I'd heard it plenty, but that was about it. Oh, and since I'm the only American I know that doesn't watch AI, I had no idea who Jessica Sierra was.
I'm not spoiling myself because I want to watch it without the prior knowledge of how they turn out. I'm really interested in seeing how they all turn out, especially the women. Daniel Baldwin, I could care less about, for some reason.
I'm also addicted to Scott Baio's 46 and pregnant. He might have some jerkish tendancies, but ultimately, I think all the kvetching he does is probably a good thing, or at least comes from the right place. At least it shows how seriously he takes it. Oh, and how great is the music? Pretty fecking great, seeing as I have most of the songs on my mp3.
As for school, my 101 class isn't very responsive, which makes me a sucky teacher (I have to have something to bounce off of; I can't just talk to the air) and makes it a chore to go there. It's odd too, because they seem to have the ability to think abstractly moreso than any other class I've had, but their verbal engagement vs their written engagement is really a stark contrast. My class isn't all about lecture, because it requires the student to actively participate, but they seem to want me to do all the work while they sit there and listen (or not).
I'd take it personally, but other classes have been far more interactive and, if I may say, really dug me. This bunch just sits there like bumps on a log. It's that "too cool for school" attitude---which should automatically disqualify you from college; let someone else in who really wants to be there and appreciates the opportunity. As for my homework, I have 800 pages (okay, really it was 799 to be exact) of reading this week. We won't talk about all the other crap, because reading is just one facet of the very long to-do homework list.
So there, I updated you and now you'll know why I don't mention school more than I do. Either I'd bitch or bore you.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Another Heath Blog
WARNING: The following is highly rhetorical...and, even worse, I only feel part of it is...um...highly rhetorical...the rest of it, I totally fucking mean, dude. Anyway, you can't say I didn't warn you!
Oh...so I'm really stupid and American (what a loaded term) when I care that a celeb I've never met has died. Apparently, my intellect and morality are at stake according to whom I care about that has died.
Yeah...so, if one feels any remorse or grief over the death of Heath Ledger or some celebrity they didn't know, that feeling is equivocated with a lack of caring about troops in Iraq or with basically, being uninformed and caring about "hard" and "real" news issues. Hey, I'm right there with you...I have not watched a single day of the Today morning news show since they reported on Brad and Jennifer's marriage. I decided that was it for me, that was my line in the sand. I just hate that caring about a random celebrity's death is equivocated with being uninformed. It is quite possible to listen to NPR and mourn Heath. And, it's quite possible that listening to NPR doesn't mean anything, but you'd never know it from some of the responses I've read elsewhere from people up in arms about those of who are saddened over Heath's death. I just can't see the connection between watching the BBC and listening to NPR and how that makes you a better person, or a more intellectual person. Pluck me from my pedastal the moment I think I'm better for it or because of it. Is being informed and listening to/watching NPR/BBC so mutually exclusive from being a little shocked and saddened by Heath Ledger's death and wanting to talk about it?
Oy, the kvetching from some people who are so appalled and offended that some of us might actually be saddened by the death of Heath Ledger when there is Real Stuff To Be Concerned About. You know what...Fuck you. If I wanna react to and feel shocked about Heath fucking Ledger I will. The rest of my week is spent being so fucking intellectual and informed that I reserve the right to feel whatever I feel for whatever reason I feel it.
So, I'm going to repeat a stupid and long comment that I made from someone else's blog that felt really cathartic.
Oh, and yes, I've had a couple of vodka martinis. Why do you ask?
Now...for the commentary that I'm sure you were breathlessly awaiting (from the blog of Mighty Mighty Monk Seal).
------------------------
Couldn’t agree more with everything you said. Absolutely couldn’t agree more. I didn’t realize Brad Renfro was the kid in The Client, so I didn’t “mourn” him, and thusly had next to nothing to say about him other than how much I enjoyed that performance and had no idea he had a career and a following outside of that.
About Heath, I’m grunting and straining here from the high horse that I’m climbing onto, but yeah, I’m in shock and I’m sad. And I’m not apologizing. But then again, I always reserve the right to mourn celebrities (and be pissed at those that would castigate me for doing so). With Heath, I realized part of my reaction is wrapped up with triggers about sudden death after having lost my Mom so suddenly. And yet, I wonder if that’s not just a really good excuse to give myself a “pass” for mourning him. Hell, I still miss River Phoenix. And I even publish that fact on my “about me” section in my blog…which…for the record, is the kind of thing I refuse to fill out on Myspace and Facebook ( and yeah, I’m ashamed that I succumbed to them and for this digression).
Anyway, the point is…I don’t understand why some people care who or how or why other people mourn. I’m sure there are myriad reasons why Heath’s death has gotten to so many people and many of those reasons anecdotal (perhaps in my case) as well as largely shared, but at the end of the day…why does it matter to those that don’t care? I can’t imagine myself caring about why other people mourn Brad Renfro or Suzanne Pleshette and inserting my naysaying opinion about it. I think it’s just as valid to mourn or be freaked out about someone’s death who you didn’t even know. The thing is, Heath Ledger, whether in death or life, represents something to so many.
I remember when Johnny Cash, John Ritter, and Paul Simon (the bowtied politician who was so cool he was a guest on SNL and represented the district I am from) died in such close proximity. I had a class and I felt the need to express my sadness over these losses when the last of those 3 died. I figured everyone would just humor me, but to my surprise, they didn’t have to. It seemed I touched off something in the prof that she’d been feeling too. Anyway, it was a nice little ten minute moment and made me feel I could face the rest of that class and day with “authenticity" if you will.
Wow, fuck. That felt cathartic. Inarticulate, but cathartic nonetheless. I might just copy/paste this and post another blog. And I won’t apologize for doing so.
Oh...so I'm really stupid and American (what a loaded term) when I care that a celeb I've never met has died. Apparently, my intellect and morality are at stake according to whom I care about that has died.
Yeah...so, if one feels any remorse or grief over the death of Heath Ledger or some celebrity they didn't know, that feeling is equivocated with a lack of caring about troops in Iraq or with basically, being uninformed and caring about "hard" and "real" news issues. Hey, I'm right there with you...I have not watched a single day of the Today morning news show since they reported on Brad and Jennifer's marriage. I decided that was it for me, that was my line in the sand. I just hate that caring about a random celebrity's death is equivocated with being uninformed. It is quite possible to listen to NPR and mourn Heath. And, it's quite possible that listening to NPR doesn't mean anything, but you'd never know it from some of the responses I've read elsewhere from people up in arms about those of who are saddened over Heath's death. I just can't see the connection between watching the BBC and listening to NPR and how that makes you a better person, or a more intellectual person. Pluck me from my pedastal the moment I think I'm better for it or because of it. Is being informed and listening to/watching NPR/BBC so mutually exclusive from being a little shocked and saddened by Heath Ledger's death and wanting to talk about it?
Oy, the kvetching from some people who are so appalled and offended that some of us might actually be saddened by the death of Heath Ledger when there is Real Stuff To Be Concerned About. You know what...Fuck you. If I wanna react to and feel shocked about Heath fucking Ledger I will. The rest of my week is spent being so fucking intellectual and informed that I reserve the right to feel whatever I feel for whatever reason I feel it.
So, I'm going to repeat a stupid and long comment that I made from someone else's blog that felt really cathartic.
Oh, and yes, I've had a couple of vodka martinis. Why do you ask?
Now...for the commentary that I'm sure you were breathlessly awaiting (from the blog of Mighty Mighty Monk Seal).
------------------------
Couldn’t agree more with everything you said. Absolutely couldn’t agree more. I didn’t realize Brad Renfro was the kid in The Client, so I didn’t “mourn” him, and thusly had next to nothing to say about him other than how much I enjoyed that performance and had no idea he had a career and a following outside of that.
About Heath, I’m grunting and straining here from the high horse that I’m climbing onto, but yeah, I’m in shock and I’m sad. And I’m not apologizing. But then again, I always reserve the right to mourn celebrities (and be pissed at those that would castigate me for doing so). With Heath, I realized part of my reaction is wrapped up with triggers about sudden death after having lost my Mom so suddenly. And yet, I wonder if that’s not just a really good excuse to give myself a “pass” for mourning him. Hell, I still miss River Phoenix. And I even publish that fact on my “about me” section in my blog…which…for the record, is the kind of thing I refuse to fill out on Myspace and Facebook ( and yeah, I’m ashamed that I succumbed to them and for this digression).
Anyway, the point is…I don’t understand why some people care who or how or why other people mourn. I’m sure there are myriad reasons why Heath’s death has gotten to so many people and many of those reasons anecdotal (perhaps in my case) as well as largely shared, but at the end of the day…why does it matter to those that don’t care? I can’t imagine myself caring about why other people mourn Brad Renfro or Suzanne Pleshette and inserting my naysaying opinion about it. I think it’s just as valid to mourn or be freaked out about someone’s death who you didn’t even know. The thing is, Heath Ledger, whether in death or life, represents something to so many.
I remember when Johnny Cash, John Ritter, and Paul Simon (the bowtied politician who was so cool he was a guest on SNL and represented the district I am from) died in such close proximity. I had a class and I felt the need to express my sadness over these losses when the last of those 3 died. I figured everyone would just humor me, but to my surprise, they didn’t have to. It seemed I touched off something in the prof that she’d been feeling too. Anyway, it was a nice little ten minute moment and made me feel I could face the rest of that class and day with “authenticity" if you will.
Wow, fuck. That felt cathartic. Inarticulate, but cathartic nonetheless. I might just copy/paste this and post another blog. And I won’t apologize for doing so.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
RIP Heath, You Will Be Missed
I can't believe the news about Heath Ledger. I was visiting a message board to keep up with the Britney saga, and noticed his thread was staying consistently at the top. I figured either he was dating someone new or something had happened, but I never thought about something like this. I just ignored it, because that board is rather vitriolic toward anyone who's a celeb for any reason. Also, I'm not that interested in clicking on photos or that much celeb news for that matter, so I just never gave it two thoughts.
I don't think a celeb death has been this shocking since River Phoenix. I still miss River. I find it hard to watch his films (I highly recommend Dogfight with Lily Taylor) and have never been able to enjoy My Own Private Idaho because that film looks like the beginning of the end for him. There was something missing from him in that one, compared to the others. Maybe it was a certain sparkle or naivete, but whatever it was, there was definitely something darker about River in that film.
Anyway, back to Heath. I never clicked on his thread, but found out hours later that night when I turned on my computer and it was on the MSN homepage. I kept saying "No, No, No" over and over again. I just want them to take it back. It doesn't seem real at all. When someone dies this suddenly, it just takes me aback. It's hard to process.
Yes, I realize I never knew him, but I reserve the right to be freaked out and sound stupid in my blog. His poor family. He was so young; he was someone's son, someone's brother as well as being someone's Dad and boyfriend.
I know it's selfish, but I hope I can still enjoy 10 Things I Hate About You. It's sorta been my "go to" movie when I want something light, but good to de-stress. I think I have watched that movie more than any other since I started school here. Anyway, I can't get that scene out of my head where he was seranading Julia Stiles.
RIP, Heath. You will be missed.
I don't think a celeb death has been this shocking since River Phoenix. I still miss River. I find it hard to watch his films (I highly recommend Dogfight with Lily Taylor) and have never been able to enjoy My Own Private Idaho because that film looks like the beginning of the end for him. There was something missing from him in that one, compared to the others. Maybe it was a certain sparkle or naivete, but whatever it was, there was definitely something darker about River in that film.
Anyway, back to Heath. I never clicked on his thread, but found out hours later that night when I turned on my computer and it was on the MSN homepage. I kept saying "No, No, No" over and over again. I just want them to take it back. It doesn't seem real at all. When someone dies this suddenly, it just takes me aback. It's hard to process.
Yes, I realize I never knew him, but I reserve the right to be freaked out and sound stupid in my blog. His poor family. He was so young; he was someone's son, someone's brother as well as being someone's Dad and boyfriend.
I know it's selfish, but I hope I can still enjoy 10 Things I Hate About You. It's sorta been my "go to" movie when I want something light, but good to de-stress. I think I have watched that movie more than any other since I started school here. Anyway, I can't get that scene out of my head where he was seranading Julia Stiles.
RIP, Heath. You will be missed.
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