Woo to the Hoo! The semester is officially over! I turned in the last of my papers yesterday and I just handed in my grades for 101. I am so happy to be done. This was a particularly brutal semester. So much work and I can't believe I am finally done.
My historiography teacher had a party at her house last night. I really enjoyed being with people outside of my own department because we are so busy we usually don't get the chance to hang out with other people very often. Anyway, we turned in our papers at her house and she provided all the alcohol and food. It was awesome. She lives on a lake and has the most gorgeous view I've ever seen. Afterward, I went with some of my classmates to a bar and drank some more. When I woke up this morning I only had a slight hangover which quickly dissipated.
This summer I am staying in Carbondale to teach 101 and am taking two classes. One is a professional scholarly writing class where we come to class with a paper already written that we want to work to submit for publication. The goal is turn your paper into something that will get published. Since I'm at the point that I need to start publishing, I'm really glad a class is offered that addresses this issue. Most doc programs expect you to take care of all the stuff that goes into getting something accepted and get published in your "free" time, so it's great to get course credit for something we're expected to do anyway.
The other class I'm taking is dramaturgy which is my focus area of study in theatre---I'm actually theatre history and dramaturgy as they kind of go hand in hand with one another. I've never actually had a real dramaturgy class so I'm excited.
I'm most excited to report that I'm losing weight! 5 lbs so far, but I know I'm really going to do it this time. I've lost weight before, so I know it's possible. I lost 40 pounds back in '96 and managed to keep it off for about 10 years, so I've never yo-yo'd. I've put most of it on since grad school. A little of it was creeping up on me before I started, but I was really small to begin with, so I looked okay, but then I kept gaining...Anyway, I really want to get back to where I was when I really didn't worry about how my clothes looked because I looked okay no matter what style I wore. What freedom that was. When I picked out clothes the only criteria (besides cost, of course) was whether I liked it or not, I didn't have to worry that something would make me look bigger and everything always fit.
I am also sooo excited to have the time to clean my house! No, I say that without irony. Really.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Did you know when you google "School days dear old golden rule days" my blog is the fourth hit? It was a total accident. I was looking for the lyrics to the "school days" song for a performance I'm doing today in my Teaching as Performance class. Wow. I'm on the Internet for realz, now.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
13 Years
So, after 13 years Jeff and I are done. It was time and right now I'm just in shock that's it real.
He's often silent and hostile. That problem goes back years. I started to leave him about four years ago and couldn't do it, so this has been a long, long time coming. He's been really resentful of the fact that I'm gone and that school is such a priority. He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand what it takes to get what I'm aiming for. It's not even just how he's not right for me. I'm not right for him. He doesn't get academic life and the demands it makes. He needs someone that's happy doing what they are already doing, like working in an insurance office or something like that.
I haven't cried yet, which is unusual for me, but I know it was time and that this is the right thing. Eventually, I'm going to be so glad. I need someone that can be more positive and supportive, someone that doesn't make me feel guilty for trying to do what I'm doing, and someone that can communicate, someone that can deal with emotions and have conversations that go beyond the surface. He wasn't even speaking to me at all in the last week. As in, literally not speaking to me. He's been particularly resentful since I didn't go home for Spring Break because I had too much work to do. It's not easy to write papers when you're away. He couldn't deal with the fact that I am going to stay for the summer (I don't have much choice about it anyway) to teach and take classes. I couldn't tell him that I'll be done with course work at the end of the Fall semester. Because he'd expect me to run right back home, instead of staying to teach Theatre History, an upper-division, majors only class and the whole reason I'm getting a PhD. It was this class at this school, over 10 years ago, that made me want to get a PhD and teach theatre history. That I get to do this before I graduate, is really momentous. But, I couldn't share that with him and he wouldn't have shared in my triumph. He would've been pissed that I wasn't coming home. He couldn't understand why I need to stay here to do my dissertation. More and more, it felt like I couldn't be myself around him. He's just a hostile person. He's an alcoholic that refuses to do anything about it (yes, he acknowledges he has a problem, he just doesn't want to stop drinking). He makes some really terrible decisions when he's been drinking. I never had the feeling he was proud of me.
It's a major relief, but right now the numbness is starting to wear off and I'm starting to feel that pit in my stomach. Except, I know this is right. I know eventually, it'll feel really liberating and I'll be glad to be autonomous. Still, I am feeling sad, and am losing a major part of myself. 13 years. We met in '95, here at the school I'm going to now. He had the dorm room above me. I can't believe how long ago that was and how much has happened since then.
So yeah he drinks a lot and sometimes he doesn't make the best decisions and I just know he's going engage in self-destructive behavior. I have a very strong support system with lots of friends that I can talk to who are always there for me. He doesn't really have that. He doesn't communicate and he doesn't have any friendships that go beyond the superficial. This worries me.
I've had so many major life changes since I started this program. I can't begin to describe the pressure of this program and the work it entails---and to add that losing my Mom, having to deal with my sister, and seeing the end of my relationship is quite a lot and I honestly don't know how I'm making it. I just know that it seems like every time I turn around there's something major life-altering thing happening; it's as if I don't have the right to be selfish and concentrate on this program without the whole world going to hell. That's too bad. I'm still going to get my PhD and I'm sick and tired of stuff trying to pull me away from what I'm trying to do here. I have every right to get a doctorate and if he can't deal with that, then we're better off apart. Some people even manage to get their advanced degrees without their partner going off the rails or resenting them for it. I deserve that, and since he can't do that for me, I'd rather not have this turmoil in my life. Not being supportive, being hostile and silent are deal breakers for me. Silence is manipulation and it's very domineering and I'm not putting up with it. I don't care how long we've been together. No one has the right to treat me that way.
He'll be coming down in a month or so to bring the rest of my stuff. He's not being a major jerk in that regard and for that I am thankful. We'll probably talk here and there, but for right now, it's better not to.
I'm just starting to feel a particular sadness that I can't describe. Just a pit of sadness that hurts. It's starting to feel like I'm in mourning. I know I'll be okay and that this is just part of it. I just literally don't know what to do with myself. I can't believe I can't talk to him and that he's no longer a part of my life. I can't stop worrying about him.
I'm going to be fine because, eventually, I'll be living the life I was meant to live, but right now I'm mourning the loss of this one. It's so weird right now.
***
ETA: Friday we had an earthquake. I felt nothing. Most people felt it shaking their houses, but no major damage. I didn't feel any of the aftershocks either. So, last night I'm lying in bed, not moving a muscle, hoping for sleep, and was almost about to drift off, but with all these thoughts swirling around in my head, when I felt the bed shake. I thought, "did this bed just shake?" Then it shook again and a couple of more times as if in answer to my question. It was another earthquake. It was just really weird because I have so much on my mind and it had been a monumental day in my life, then the earth literally quakes beneath me just as I'm thinking about all the major life changes I'm going through. It was so goddamned metaphoric or literal or something like that.
He's often silent and hostile. That problem goes back years. I started to leave him about four years ago and couldn't do it, so this has been a long, long time coming. He's been really resentful of the fact that I'm gone and that school is such a priority. He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand what it takes to get what I'm aiming for. It's not even just how he's not right for me. I'm not right for him. He doesn't get academic life and the demands it makes. He needs someone that's happy doing what they are already doing, like working in an insurance office or something like that.
I haven't cried yet, which is unusual for me, but I know it was time and that this is the right thing. Eventually, I'm going to be so glad. I need someone that can be more positive and supportive, someone that doesn't make me feel guilty for trying to do what I'm doing, and someone that can communicate, someone that can deal with emotions and have conversations that go beyond the surface. He wasn't even speaking to me at all in the last week. As in, literally not speaking to me. He's been particularly resentful since I didn't go home for Spring Break because I had too much work to do. It's not easy to write papers when you're away. He couldn't deal with the fact that I am going to stay for the summer (I don't have much choice about it anyway) to teach and take classes. I couldn't tell him that I'll be done with course work at the end of the Fall semester. Because he'd expect me to run right back home, instead of staying to teach Theatre History, an upper-division, majors only class and the whole reason I'm getting a PhD. It was this class at this school, over 10 years ago, that made me want to get a PhD and teach theatre history. That I get to do this before I graduate, is really momentous. But, I couldn't share that with him and he wouldn't have shared in my triumph. He would've been pissed that I wasn't coming home. He couldn't understand why I need to stay here to do my dissertation. More and more, it felt like I couldn't be myself around him. He's just a hostile person. He's an alcoholic that refuses to do anything about it (yes, he acknowledges he has a problem, he just doesn't want to stop drinking). He makes some really terrible decisions when he's been drinking. I never had the feeling he was proud of me.
It's a major relief, but right now the numbness is starting to wear off and I'm starting to feel that pit in my stomach. Except, I know this is right. I know eventually, it'll feel really liberating and I'll be glad to be autonomous. Still, I am feeling sad, and am losing a major part of myself. 13 years. We met in '95, here at the school I'm going to now. He had the dorm room above me. I can't believe how long ago that was and how much has happened since then.
So yeah he drinks a lot and sometimes he doesn't make the best decisions and I just know he's going engage in self-destructive behavior. I have a very strong support system with lots of friends that I can talk to who are always there for me. He doesn't really have that. He doesn't communicate and he doesn't have any friendships that go beyond the superficial. This worries me.
I've had so many major life changes since I started this program. I can't begin to describe the pressure of this program and the work it entails---and to add that losing my Mom, having to deal with my sister, and seeing the end of my relationship is quite a lot and I honestly don't know how I'm making it. I just know that it seems like every time I turn around there's something major life-altering thing happening; it's as if I don't have the right to be selfish and concentrate on this program without the whole world going to hell. That's too bad. I'm still going to get my PhD and I'm sick and tired of stuff trying to pull me away from what I'm trying to do here. I have every right to get a doctorate and if he can't deal with that, then we're better off apart. Some people even manage to get their advanced degrees without their partner going off the rails or resenting them for it. I deserve that, and since he can't do that for me, I'd rather not have this turmoil in my life. Not being supportive, being hostile and silent are deal breakers for me. Silence is manipulation and it's very domineering and I'm not putting up with it. I don't care how long we've been together. No one has the right to treat me that way.
He'll be coming down in a month or so to bring the rest of my stuff. He's not being a major jerk in that regard and for that I am thankful. We'll probably talk here and there, but for right now, it's better not to.
I'm just starting to feel a particular sadness that I can't describe. Just a pit of sadness that hurts. It's starting to feel like I'm in mourning. I know I'll be okay and that this is just part of it. I just literally don't know what to do with myself. I can't believe I can't talk to him and that he's no longer a part of my life. I can't stop worrying about him.
I'm going to be fine because, eventually, I'll be living the life I was meant to live, but right now I'm mourning the loss of this one. It's so weird right now.
***
ETA: Friday we had an earthquake. I felt nothing. Most people felt it shaking their houses, but no major damage. I didn't feel any of the aftershocks either. So, last night I'm lying in bed, not moving a muscle, hoping for sleep, and was almost about to drift off, but with all these thoughts swirling around in my head, when I felt the bed shake. I thought, "did this bed just shake?" Then it shook again and a couple of more times as if in answer to my question. It was another earthquake. It was just really weird because I have so much on my mind and it had been a monumental day in my life, then the earth literally quakes beneath me just as I'm thinking about all the major life changes I'm going through. It was so goddamned metaphoric or literal or something like that.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Blahg, Blahg, Blahg
I'm on Spring Break and it's snowing. But I'm on Spring Break, biotch!
Jen, if you're actually reading this, I'm going to call you this week! No, really I will!!
Spring Break means I can actually work uninterrupted by, you know, actual classes and other sundry and related responsibilities. I guess you know you're getting old when you're actually excited to be on Spring Break so you can work on projects as opposed to doing body shots (not that I ever did those). The only shot I'll be in proximity to this week is a wheatgrass shot (um, not that I'd do one of those either) since an old friend and I are getting together and going to a spa to get pedicures! I've never had one, so I'm really stoked.
Projects I want to jumpstart, finish, or work on that I'm actually excited to be working on: Brothel Drama in the early twentieth century (yes it's an actual genre, who knew?); a paper on the historiography of the Salem witch trials; a paper on 80's young adult fiction; a paper on 80's music videos (the latter two for a conference on pop culture); and compile a DVD for my 101 class on the "isms" (surrealism, expressionism, symbolism, etc) by using things like Nine Inch Nails videos, the "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) by the Eurythmics video, and other "weird" music videos to teach the stuff in theatre that isn't straight-forward, realism. This is stuff I either have to do for classes or need to get working on for panel conferences outside of school, but I really am excited about each of these projects. I just hope I don't procrastinate. But, that's up to me, really.
Aint it cute when you have all these ambitions and intentions? Let's see where I am by March 16...
Jen, if you're actually reading this, I'm going to call you this week! No, really I will!!
Spring Break means I can actually work uninterrupted by, you know, actual classes and other sundry and related responsibilities. I guess you know you're getting old when you're actually excited to be on Spring Break so you can work on projects as opposed to doing body shots (not that I ever did those). The only shot I'll be in proximity to this week is a wheatgrass shot (um, not that I'd do one of those either) since an old friend and I are getting together and going to a spa to get pedicures! I've never had one, so I'm really stoked.
Projects I want to jumpstart, finish, or work on that I'm actually excited to be working on: Brothel Drama in the early twentieth century (yes it's an actual genre, who knew?); a paper on the historiography of the Salem witch trials; a paper on 80's young adult fiction; a paper on 80's music videos (the latter two for a conference on pop culture); and compile a DVD for my 101 class on the "isms" (surrealism, expressionism, symbolism, etc) by using things like Nine Inch Nails videos, the "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) by the Eurythmics video, and other "weird" music videos to teach the stuff in theatre that isn't straight-forward, realism. This is stuff I either have to do for classes or need to get working on for panel conferences outside of school, but I really am excited about each of these projects. I just hope I don't procrastinate. But, that's up to me, really.
Aint it cute when you have all these ambitions and intentions? Let's see where I am by March 16...
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Another Ice Day!
School has been cancelled again! I guess calling it a Snow Day is something of a misnomer, since it's really all ice/sleet. I can't leave my house, but that's the price you pay. W0oT!!11!!
ZOMG!!111!eleventy!!
Snow Day! I haven't checked outside yet, but last week we had 8 inches of solid ice which had finally melted away in the last couple of days. I actually prepared for this one! I now own a snow shovel for the first time in my life (yuck, that this is a necessity). I only have a bit of rock salt left, but there is absolutely none to be found in this town, so there wasn't much I could do about that. It's even gotten to the point where rumors are going around about what stores are getting in shipments at what time.
The real reason this is great is because I had to facilitate the discussion in my Historiography class which is a night class and I felt like there was no way in hell I could last that long. I am so tired, I feel insane.
I'm going back to bed, y'all! Woo-Hoo!
The real reason this is great is because I had to facilitate the discussion in my Historiography class which is a night class and I felt like there was no way in hell I could last that long. I am so tired, I feel insane.
I'm going back to bed, y'all! Woo-Hoo!
Monday, February 18, 2008
My Hair
So, I'm trying to grow out my hair. Short was fun, but dull. I need a little length. I hate the patience it's going to take. Basically, to get to my weight and hair goals, it will take 6-12 months. Sigh.
I just can't wait for this Chad Michael Murray hair phase to be over. Should take another month or so.
I just can't wait for this Chad Michael Murray hair phase to be over. Should take another month or so.
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