13 Years

So, after 13 years Jeff and I are done. It was time and right now I'm just in shock that's it real.

He's often silent and hostile. That problem goes back years. I started to leave him about four years ago and couldn't do it, so this has been a long, long time coming. He's been really resentful of the fact that I'm gone and that school is such a priority. He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand what it takes to get what I'm aiming for. It's not even just how he's not right for me. I'm not right for him. He doesn't get academic life and the demands it makes. He needs someone that's happy doing what they are already doing, like working in an insurance office or something like that.

I haven't cried yet, which is unusual for me, but I know it was time and that this is the right thing. Eventually, I'm going to be so glad. I need someone that can be more positive and supportive, someone that doesn't make me feel guilty for trying to do what I'm doing, and someone that can communicate, someone that can deal with emotions and have conversations that go beyond the surface. He wasn't even speaking to me at all in the last week. As in, literally not speaking to me. He's been particularly resentful since I didn't go home for Spring Break because I had too much work to do. It's not easy to write papers when you're away. He couldn't deal with the fact that I am going to stay for the summer (I don't have much choice about it anyway) to teach and take classes. I couldn't tell him that I'll be done with course work at the end of the Fall semester. Because he'd expect me to run right back home, instead of staying to teach Theatre History, an upper-division, majors only class and the whole reason I'm getting a PhD. It was this class at this school, over 10 years ago, that made me want to get a PhD and teach theatre history. That I get to do this before I graduate, is really momentous. But, I couldn't share that with him and he wouldn't have shared in my triumph. He would've been pissed that I wasn't coming home. He couldn't understand why I need to stay here to do my dissertation. More and more, it felt like I couldn't be myself around him. He's just a hostile person. He's an alcoholic that refuses to do anything about it (yes, he acknowledges he has a problem, he just doesn't want to stop drinking). He makes some really terrible decisions when he's been drinking. I never had the feeling he was proud of me.

It's a major relief, but right now the numbness is starting to wear off and I'm starting to feel that pit in my stomach. Except, I know this is right. I know eventually, it'll feel really liberating and I'll be glad to be autonomous. Still, I am feeling sad, and am losing a major part of myself. 13 years. We met in '95, here at the school I'm going to now. He had the dorm room above me. I can't believe how long ago that was and how much has happened since then.

So yeah he drinks a lot and sometimes he doesn't make the best decisions and I just know he's going engage in self-destructive behavior. I have a very strong support system with lots of friends that I can talk to who are always there for me. He doesn't really have that. He doesn't communicate and he doesn't have any friendships that go beyond the superficial. This worries me.

I've had so many major life changes since I started this program. I can't begin to describe the pressure of this program and the work it entails---and to add that losing my Mom, having to deal with my sister, and seeing the end of my relationship is quite a lot and I honestly don't know how I'm making it. I just know that it seems like every time I turn around there's something major life-altering thing happening; it's as if I don't have the right to be selfish and concentrate on this program without the whole world going to hell. That's too bad. I'm still going to get my PhD and I'm sick and tired of stuff trying to pull me away from what I'm trying to do here. I have every right to get a doctorate and if he can't deal with that, then we're better off apart. Some people even manage to get their advanced degrees without their partner going off the rails or resenting them for it. I deserve that, and since he can't do that for me, I'd rather not have this turmoil in my life. Not being supportive, being hostile and silent are deal breakers for me. Silence is manipulation and it's very domineering and I'm not putting up with it. I don't care how long we've been together. No one has the right to treat me that way.

He'll be coming down in a month or so to bring the rest of my stuff. He's not being a major jerk in that regard and for that I am thankful. We'll probably talk here and there, but for right now, it's better not to.

I'm just starting to feel a particular sadness that I can't describe. Just a pit of sadness that hurts. It's starting to feel like I'm in mourning. I know I'll be okay and that this is just part of it. I just literally don't know what to do with myself. I can't believe I can't talk to him and that he's no longer a part of my life. I can't stop worrying about him.

I'm going to be fine because, eventually, I'll be living the life I was meant to live, but right now I'm mourning the loss of this one. It's so weird right now.

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ETA: Friday we had an earthquake. I felt nothing. Most people felt it shaking their houses, but no major damage. I didn't feel any of the aftershocks either. So, last night I'm lying in bed, not moving a muscle, hoping for sleep, and was almost about to drift off, but with all these thoughts swirling around in my head, when I felt the bed shake. I thought, "did this bed just shake?" Then it shook again and a couple of more times as if in answer to my question. It was another earthquake. It was just really weird because I have so much on my mind and it had been a monumental day in my life, then the earth literally quakes beneath me just as I'm thinking about all the major life changes I'm going through. It was so goddamned metaphoric or literal or something like that.